This is No way to Live

Funny thing about all of this–I STILL hurt and struggle. I know in my heart he is not going to change. I wish he would; heck, I think somehow he wishes he would, but not enough to actually change. I hate when he looks at me with that sad look. He made these choices. Why did he think it was ok to disrespect me? Why was it ok to throw away our family? I’ll never understand.

Today, I saw a message on his phone. He told a friend, “This is no way to live…with no one loving me.” I felt an instant stab to the gut. Seriously? Why is it all about you? I gave him two chances to get his life together and still he is wallowing in his choices? What does he want from me? Sure. I should just accept this life, the one where he continues to throw lies at me and chooses to numb his pain with random sex and bjs? It’s insanity. Still, I hurt. I wish someone could explain that part to me. I wish I could stop feeling anything myself. Unfortunately, unlike him, I don’t get to numb. I feel every last bit of it. It’s a nightmare.

So no, this is no way to live. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, being lied to, and giving the gift of reconciliation, only to be cheated on again. The pain is too much. No, it is no way to live. Going to job interview after job interview, after quitting my job because I took a leap of faith that he would be faithful after four years. This is no way to live–the sadness, loneliness, fear and dread of losing the time with my kids and who he will introduce them to. I already am bracing for the “woman” who will be their stepmom and how I will have to let them love her so they are not in the middle. I don’t want to share my babies with anyone else. This is no way to live–the loss of trust in myself after the gaslighting and giving him another chance to betray me.

How in the world can he seriously tell anyone that what he has created is no way to live? He had a wife who loved him. He has three beautiful kids. We were starting a new life in a new state. Yet, he can still say that and be sad? What right does he have to that sadness when he is the one who chose it?

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Choices, Limbo, and Exhaustion

October will be a year of knowing this is not going to work. I’ve been living in this limbo state for that long. No wonder I can’t get past this depression. There has been zero forward movement. In fact, we are starting to fight.

His boundaries are slipping or are nonexistent. I guess if he’s just living here and doesn’t have to pretend anymore, then he doesn’t have to do anything he said he’d do, even if it would make him healthier and a better dad. That’s asking too much. So he has never gone back to therapy. The other day, I saw that he is back on Facebook. That is how he reconnected with the first sexting partner from high school that I found years ago AND the physical affair partner. You know, the one who got away. If you know you have issues with using social media, why get back on it, unless you are planning to hook up or get validation in some way? Sigh. Then there is the texting with work colleagues. It’s over the line and borderline inappropriate. The day a guy from work calls me “babe” is the day I drop kick him–especially if he is married. I’d venture to guess they all know by now that this is not a marriage, so why not?

Why do I care? There is something about it all going on under your nose and not being able to do anything about it. It’s like being rendered “impotent.” I guess I also hoped that even if our marriage didn’t survive, he’d have this desire to be a better person for himself and the kids. Hilarious. I always have high hopes.

Under all of this is an anger that takes me back to those early days after finding out and a deep sadness for the life I wish I had. I rarely feel safe. I am waiting for him to do something to me that affects my health or leaves me homeless. It won’t take much at this point. I am taking the kids to see family and friends for a few days, and I have a fear he will use the house and my bed. Why not? Why bother with boundaries when you’ve never had them, and you no longer even care to try because you know your marriage is over.

I guess that’s the “change” that is most prominent. At least then he appeared to be trying to be a good person and to change. Now, his jabs are more intense, and the mindfuckery is more often. I know my patience is gone, so I’m sure that I react, even when I try not to.

I don’t understand people. I really don’t. Why was it all worth this end result? My kids are paying the price. How did he not care? Why in the heck do grown adults lie to go sleep with other random people? My favorite part is that they used her friend’s house! Who lets their friend use their house to sleep with a married man?! And the one that really astounds me is why he is here now. Clearly, he wanted anything or anyone else. Ok. Cool. GO for hell’s sake. Yet here he is, sleeping on the couch for almost a year. What the hell? Is his goal to make me slowly go insane from having no peace? I rarely feel comfortable in my own home. I hole up in the bedroom when he is here so I don’t fight with him or give him any reason to say I was trying to start a fight.

Yesterday, as we were walking into the house, one of my girls said, “Mommy, please can Daddy keep living with us.” My heart broke into a thousand pieces. I told her, no, that he’d hurt me and that I could not stay married to him. I told her I loved her and that we would be ok. As she’s crying, she says, “I know. It’s just that sometimes, I forget.” Damn. Damn him. Exactly. Because he’s STILL HERE. They have no idea what is happening, and I can’t do a thing about it. I certainly cannot explain that their dad is a serial cheater and likely has cheated on me more times than I know about. I want them to have a relationship with their dad as much as I don’t want them to leave my side for one day. I don’t know how I’ll do it. Add in the women he’s likely to bring around them, and I want to scream. I pray I’m strong enough to deal with this, as he’s already clearly trolling. It does not seem to pay off to be the healthy parent or the good person. You just get shit on over and over.

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Loneliness and the Dreaded D Word

It’s funny. My parents divorced when I was a teen, and I SWORE I’d never be in this position. Sigh. It’s not like I chose to be cheated on, yet somehow, there seems to always be a way I blame myself for this situation.

What I’m finding very difficult at the moment is the loneliness that is almost sucking me in. There are few adults to talk to when you are not working. I never thought I’d miss working so much, but I do. I miss the comaraderie. I miss feeling as if I was part of a team and supporting others. I miss people asking me how I am…even if they don’t really want to know (ha!). This loneliness is the craziest thing. I’ve never had a problem being alone; in fact, I crave alone time. However, I think that now that I know I can’t get time to be an adult and use my intellect in some way, I feel trapped. I don’t have any close friends who are single or divorced. In fact, I can only think of one person who is divorced, and she just got remarried and is having a baby. I cannot just call someone up and ask them to meet to have coffee for an hour. I don’t even LIKE what I know as the single world. I’m certainly not heading to a bar anytime soon.

I guess the situation is a bit unusual, since I’m in this in house separation hell, and he works nights. I have not had an hour to myself to go anywhere in a long time. I’m not against taking myself to the movies, but other than that? I don’t even know what I would do. Money is an issue, so those fun painting nights or things like that are out. In my head, this all translates to “I will always be alone.” I know. It feels that way. People KNOW I’m going through all of this and they are not reaching out. It hurts. I know they are busy, but a two second text would be amazing at this point. I spent 25 years with him, creating this life. Was it perfect? Heck no. Having to extricate myself from him and all that I know WHILE LIVING WITH HIM is insane.

I am not even sure if I’m communicating all of this in a coherent way, at this point. I mean, heck, at times, we are all a little lonely. I think I’m just completely blindsided by the extent of it. I’m dreading moving forward and losing time with my kids at the same time as I’m looking forward to a chance to take myself to a movie or even just watch an uninterrupted rated R movie here. I’m sure other parents can relate. I just can’t imagine what this new life will even look like, and in my head, it’s not full of life and joy. In my head, it’s full of less time with my kids, less money, more stress, and tons of loneliness. Ugh. Tell me it’s not the way I imagine it. I’m certainly hoping one of you is having a joyful single life.

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Two More Rejections

You’d think I’d be great at taking all of the no’s. However, I’m exhausted, and I just don’t know how to keep getting up. I don’t even know what else to try at this point. That’s seven interviews and seven rejections. The last one was because I was overqualified. Clearly I did not care or why would I go through the interview process. I just want a chance.

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Another day, another interview

Yes, I interviewed again today. I always think it went well, and then I get the dreaded rejection. It’s crazy that we never know if they already have a candidate in mind. What is worse are all the thoughts in my head. I replay the entire interview and then berate myself for how I responded or for the things I should have said. It’s exhausting. I’m ready to go to Walmart (ok. Not yet).

Have you thought about the ways our self-esteem has taken a hit since dday? I know that I not only feel bad about how I look and the fact that I clearly chose someone who could do this to me, but I also am so angry with myself for not seeing the red flags. I no longer trust my own judgment. I missed so much. What makes me want to curl up in bed even more is the fact that there was so much work drama and betrayal during and after my husband’s betrayal(s) that I now don’t trust work situations. After every interview, I wonder if they are truly kind people. I simply do not trust my own judgment about people or even my own skills. It certainly makes it very difficult to “sell myself” during the interview. I’m a terrible actress. Every day, I pray someone SEES me and knows all I can do if I am just given some support. This is all so frustrating.

Do you have self-esteem issues after all of this? How are you coping and supporting yourself through the madness of it all?

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Fears…They Continue

I have had SIX interviews in the last six weeks. SIX. Guess what? No job. My self-esteem was bad enough, but my LIFE depends on getting a job that I can support myself and my kids on, and it is taking its toll. I have three master’s degrees. THREE. Geez. Instead of making me more marketable, no one will hire me because they think I cost too much. I’m about to write that I’ll take the first year salary, if only I could just get back to a normal life and stop feeling like I’m free-falling.

I have so many fears that I could spend all night typing, and you’d get tired of reading. I’m still in that bad place in my mind, and while I am there, I am apparently, rolling around in the shit in my head. It’s rather deep in there. Can you even guess what else I’m afraid of? I have this fear he will get a young girl pregnant. Yep. I am done having kids, but you know, men can have kids quite long after us. I fear that my kids will end up losing their dad to some other girl, who just happens to believe whatever lies he spews at her this week. It’s unbelievable to me that people buy into this bullcrap, but we all know they do. So now I worry not only about the “women” he will bring around the kids, but I worry there will be new kids for my kids to have to compete with. How messed up is that? I will never say those words out loud. I won’t. But I’m telling you, based on what all has gone down already, this is a realistic fear. It certainly goes without saying that he has not used condoms in any of his cheating, and he continues to go after girls in their early 20s. How is this my life again?

Friends, all I want is to feel solid ground under me again. I want to feel a day off where I do not worry about money or finding a job or planning for an interview. I want to know my kids won’t just survive this disaster but will thrive and be happy. I want to stop feeling like I’m never going to feel good again. I hate that I am ashamed of what all is happening. I chose to trust and quit my job and move. I chose to believe that family had my back. There is no one to blame for the inevitable unraveling except me.

Truth be told, this week was very bad. After two no’s from jobs I really wanted and interviews I thought went well, I actually entertained suicide. I hate the idea of the kids being bounced from place to place and I just…I can’t accept that I will have to work in retail or a minimum wage job. I just cannot understand why I can’t catch a break. To be honest, I hate this life, and I am only here because I would not want to add to my kids’ pain. However, this can only last so long. Please pray somehow, some way, I find a position and begin to dig myself out of this in house separation and the nightmare of my life. Please pray I find meaning and stability in something.

It is so funny that only eight months ago, I believed we were on the way to reconciliation. I believed we were going to have a decent marriage and our kids would be in a stable situation. Now, I have lost nearly everything because I simply took a risk and jumped. What is it that they say? “Jump and the net will appear?” Umm…nope. No net. I’m still falling and falling and the whole damn earth has sucked me in. I cannot even find a way to start digging out. May you find the stability I crave and I pray that you are not reeling, as I am. May you find peace and solid ground.

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The Worst I’ve Been in a While

I think it’s all just crashing down around me lately. I’ve had six interviews…no job. I feel like I do not have a purpose and I certainly am not able to get myself out of this situation without work.

It’s funny. I promised myself I’d never be in this situation. I said I’d never be dependent on a man, and I took a risk for the first time in my life, and SLAM. Yep. Stupid me.

What is almost more hurtful than all of his betrayal is the silence from those I thought were close to me. They do not check in and they do not likely want to really know how bad I am doing. Someone today, who I am sure was well meaning, told me it was time I stood up for myself. I guess that all these interviews and planning and stress aren’t me trying to do just that. I suppose that moving back to my home state after only seven weeks is not doing that either. Ugh. I’m in a dark, bad place.

It all came crashing down two days ago, when I found out I did not get a second interview for my dream job. I sobbed my way through that and picked myself up. I had another interview a few days later, so I prepped and thought through all of the questions. I was ready. Ah, today, I find out through a listserv post that the position is going to be reposted. Don’t you think they should notify those they aren’t giving the job to first before they repost? Isn’t that the human thing to do? What is worse is that my friend works there and was the post originator. I guess she won’t be going to bat for me to get the position…

I’m tired. I hate what my life has become and I certainly do not want to work a minimum wage job when I have all of these stupid degrees. I’m hurting and I just do not want to try anymore. I do not care. What is the point, when time after time I get one “no” closer to a retail job? I hope that when I post next, I have something to add to this that is more positive; however, I am not feeling good and I am scaring myself a bit.

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