Not as it seems

Well, dating apps are really a challenge, and not one I enjoy. I find that there are more and more frustrating experiences, so I’m trying to stay positive. Ghosting, liars, married men, dick pics…honestly, I shut them down for a while for the most part, so that I can just take some time to focus on me and life before heading back to work. I’m stressed about going back to teaching with all of these students and nervous about the spread of Covid in the district. I’m crossing my fingers that all goes well and that everyone stays healthy.

Overall, my life has a new pattern, and I’m settling into the new normal. What I know is that I have lots of laughs with friends and many online happy hours. I no longer have the stress of wondering if he is cheating or the drama involved with all of that; I just have a sense of peace, where I used to feel anxiety and fear. It is nice to feel safe in my own house.

Since nothing is perfect, I do have moments of sadness, and I do miss cuddling or debriefing with someone about my day. I miss having help around the house or the ability to get frustrated and tap out and give that situation to a partner. However, I have learned so much, and I know that I am stronger than I ever was. I know that I am an empath and am working hard on not continuing to take on others’ issues and feelings, especially those of people I just meet to date. It is rather wild how quickly things happen in the online dating world, and I find I am immersed in someone’s life and then just as quickly, they are gone from mine, and it has left me feeling very unbalanced. It is time to just sit in the reality of my singleness and not worry so much about moving on. I find I am so much more at peace without the constant worry of whether someone is going to call. The up and down of it is not something I feel quite up for right now.

This is all to say that if you are out there and living in your head of “what ifs,” please move forward. I promise nothing is as bad as we imagine it will be. I’ve grown to appreciate my weekends without the kids as time I now need to recharge, since I’m dong all of it alone now. I hope that we all can be kinder to ourselves and find that deep love and peace that we have deserved for so long.

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