It seems like I’m living in an alternate reality. I wake up at night, crying, anxious. I don’t sleep well. I’m trying to take herbal remedies to “fix” my sadness, depression, anxiety. I don’t know that I should be “fixed.” This is me in the trenches. Me in the darkness. I’ll figure it out, but damn this grief is a killer.
You know, what I think is so eye opening is how little others truly reach out. I look around me and when I know someone is going through something, I send a text, a message…anything. Because on this side of loneliness? Knowing that someone cares is the only thing keeping me going, and I’m not really getting anyone to check in. I feel invisible and as if I don’t matter. If I were completely honest, if it weren’t for my kids, I wouldn’t be here. It’s not that I want to be with him or even think about that aspect at all. It’s not an option. It’s that the “life” I’m living isn’t a life at all, and I’m tired. Knowing that I will need to continue with herbs, drugs, therapy and all of it for years to come is just overwhelming. The reality is that this has left me with such a jaded look at others; I don’t see a way forward and certainly can’t imagine ever trusting anyone enough to have a relationship.
Work is not what I had wanted it to be. It is definitely a lonely place, and I surely miss the friends I’d made over the years at my last job. I’ve found that I feel so unmoored, with neither home nor work a safe place. To be fair, I can pay my bills and I have insurance. There is comfort in that.
At some point here, I have to find out way “out of the dregs,” or why am I writing this blog? I thought for sure my life was taking a different path than it has. Now, I just need to pray that things start to feel better. I don’t know how to do this, friends. I really don’t.