I used to always crave alone time. I lived for time to decompress, read, sit in silence? Now? I still need it but it makes me cry. I cry at pretty much anything these days. The smallest thing one of my kids does can send me into a tailspin that I’m embarrassed to admit can last for some time.
I thought this new job would help. Surely I would be busy and that would give me some confidence and stability that would help in all of this. However, the position is not what I thought it was–what I want it to be. I have made very few connections and have spent a lot of time dealing with discipline issues with students. I feel lonelier than ever and just want to give up.
When you were going through your separation/divorce, did you feel lonely? Did people reach out to you? I feel as if fewer and fewer people are even trying. I actually feel pretty invisible to everyone except my young kids. Here is an example. I was excited to finally see an old work colleague at a football game. I was hoping to sit with her and catch up. We waited inside of the stadium, only for her to say she had reserved seats. Well, hmm. Ok. Still, she does not reach out to see how I am, to catch up. I KNOW people are busy, and maybe it is just because I really try to make a point of checking in on people, if only by sending a quick text to say, “Thinking of you today!” Why is no one even thinking of me? I know, right. Invisible.
He’s still living here. In fact, he’s back on Facebook and messenger and making inappropriate comments to people. Why did I ever feel safe with him? Why did I believe he was a good man to marry? It is like these women who are ready to cheat are drawn to him. It’s so disturbing. The craziest thing is he is messaging someone but lots is deleted. He must have crossed some line because he apologizes. She says something about how she understands it must be tough when kids are involved. KIDS HAVE BEEN INVOLVED for 13 years! You know what is tough? Finding out your husband is a serial cheater. What also sucks is that it is only tough because he can’t quit screwing other women. Yeah. Sure. It’s so tough with these beautiful kids involved.
I rather hate my life, friends. I am being honest when I say that right now, I am going through the motions of crying, going to work, crying, making dinner, taking care of kids, crying, and wishing to die. It’s a pretty boring, lonely life. I sure hope my kids grow up to be amazing people because I really need to believe it was all worth it.