It seems that working full time and driving an hour each way is a bit more overwhelming than I remember. I’m thrilled to have a paycheck but I’m struggling with the balance of it. I suppose everyone struggles in this way?
I find navigating an in-house separation to be sad and frustrating. I have reasons that I am grateful he is here. Perhaps it is fear that I won’t be able to do these things on my own. I admit that I AM afraid of the future. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make ends meet or that I’ll never take another beach vacation. I know. Stupid. If I don’t, I don’t. Life will go on. It’s just the losses keep coming and I’m so damn sad about it all.
But here I am, getting back on the horse and riding. I don’t love it all and I certainly am not finding a bit of it easy, but I am here and I am doing it. I cannot wait to get my first paycheck to begin to save and catch up on things I have greatly needed and missed. In that, I hope to start to feel a bit of security again and start to leave some of this anxiety behind.
I wish I knew why the idea of simply filing for divorce is scary, when I clearly do not have a marriage anyways. I suppose having someone to help with the kids and grab things as needed is a kindness that I will lose. What exactly is there to gain? I wish I knew.