This is No way to Live

Funny thing about all of this–I STILL hurt and struggle. I know in my heart he is not going to change. I wish he would; heck, I think somehow he wishes he would, but not enough to actually change. I hate when he looks at me with that sad look. He made these choices. Why did he think it was ok to disrespect me? Why was it ok to throw away our family? I’ll never understand.

Today, I saw a message on his phone. He told a friend, “This is no way to live…with no one loving me.” I felt an instant stab to the gut. Seriously? Why is it all about you? I gave him two chances to get his life together and still he is wallowing in his choices? What does he want from me? Sure. I should just accept this life, the one where he continues to throw lies at me and chooses to numb his pain with random sex and bjs? It’s insanity. Still, I hurt. I wish someone could explain that part to me. I wish I could stop feeling anything myself. Unfortunately, unlike him, I don’t get to numb. I feel every last bit of it. It’s a nightmare.

So no, this is no way to live. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, being lied to, and giving the gift of reconciliation, only to be cheated on again. The pain is too much. No, it is no way to live. Going to job interview after job interview, after quitting my job because I took a leap of faith that he would be faithful after four years. This is no way to live–the sadness, loneliness, fear and dread of losing the time with my kids and who he will introduce them to. I already am bracing for the “woman” who will be their stepmom and how I will have to let them love her so they are not in the middle. I don’t want to share my babies with anyone else. This is no way to live–the loss of trust in myself after the gaslighting and giving him another chance to betray me.

How in the world can he seriously tell anyone that what he has created is no way to live? He had a wife who loved him. He has three beautiful kids. We were starting a new life in a new state. Yet, he can still say that and be sad? What right does he have to that sadness when he is the one who chose it?

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