October will be a year of knowing this is not going to work. I’ve been living in this limbo state for that long. No wonder I can’t get past this depression. There has been zero forward movement. In fact, we are starting to fight.
His boundaries are slipping or are nonexistent. I guess if he’s just living here and doesn’t have to pretend anymore, then he doesn’t have to do anything he said he’d do, even if it would make him healthier and a better dad. That’s asking too much. So he has never gone back to therapy. The other day, I saw that he is back on Facebook. That is how he reconnected with the first sexting partner from high school that I found years ago AND the physical affair partner. You know, the one who got away. If you know you have issues with using social media, why get back on it, unless you are planning to hook up or get validation in some way? Sigh. Then there is the texting with work colleagues. It’s over the line and borderline inappropriate. The day a guy from work calls me “babe” is the day I drop kick him–especially if he is married. I’d venture to guess they all know by now that this is not a marriage, so why not?
Why do I care? There is something about it all going on under your nose and not being able to do anything about it. It’s like being rendered “impotent.” I guess I also hoped that even if our marriage didn’t survive, he’d have this desire to be a better person for himself and the kids. Hilarious. I always have high hopes.
Under all of this is an anger that takes me back to those early days after finding out and a deep sadness for the life I wish I had. I rarely feel safe. I am waiting for him to do something to me that affects my health or leaves me homeless. It won’t take much at this point. I am taking the kids to see family and friends for a few days, and I have a fear he will use the house and my bed. Why not? Why bother with boundaries when you’ve never had them, and you no longer even care to try because you know your marriage is over.
I guess that’s the “change” that is most prominent. At least then he appeared to be trying to be a good person and to change. Now, his jabs are more intense, and the mindfuckery is more often. I know my patience is gone, so I’m sure that I react, even when I try not to.
I don’t understand people. I really don’t. Why was it all worth this end result? My kids are paying the price. How did he not care? Why in the heck do grown adults lie to go sleep with other random people? My favorite part is that they used her friend’s house! Who lets their friend use their house to sleep with a married man?! And the one that really astounds me is why he is here now. Clearly, he wanted anything or anyone else. Ok. Cool. GO for hell’s sake. Yet here he is, sleeping on the couch for almost a year. What the hell? Is his goal to make me slowly go insane from having no peace? I rarely feel comfortable in my own home. I hole up in the bedroom when he is here so I don’t fight with him or give him any reason to say I was trying to start a fight.
Yesterday, as we were walking into the house, one of my girls said, “Mommy, please can Daddy keep living with us.” My heart broke into a thousand pieces. I told her, no, that he’d hurt me and that I could not stay married to him. I told her I loved her and that we would be ok. As she’s crying, she says, “I know. It’s just that sometimes, I forget.” Damn. Damn him. Exactly. Because he’s STILL HERE. They have no idea what is happening, and I can’t do a thing about it. I certainly cannot explain that their dad is a serial cheater and likely has cheated on me more times than I know about. I want them to have a relationship with their dad as much as I don’t want them to leave my side for one day. I don’t know how I’ll do it. Add in the women he’s likely to bring around them, and I want to scream. I pray I’m strong enough to deal with this, as he’s already clearly trolling. It does not seem to pay off to be the healthy parent or the good person. You just get shit on over and over.