It’s funny. My parents divorced when I was a teen, and I SWORE I’d never be in this position. Sigh. It’s not like I chose to be cheated on, yet somehow, there seems to always be a way I blame myself for this situation.
What I’m finding very difficult at the moment is the loneliness that is almost sucking me in. There are few adults to talk to when you are not working. I never thought I’d miss working so much, but I do. I miss the comaraderie. I miss feeling as if I was part of a team and supporting others. I miss people asking me how I am…even if they don’t really want to know (ha!). This loneliness is the craziest thing. I’ve never had a problem being alone; in fact, I crave alone time. However, I think that now that I know I can’t get time to be an adult and use my intellect in some way, I feel trapped. I don’t have any close friends who are single or divorced. In fact, I can only think of one person who is divorced, and she just got remarried and is having a baby. I cannot just call someone up and ask them to meet to have coffee for an hour. I don’t even LIKE what I know as the single world. I’m certainly not heading to a bar anytime soon.
I guess the situation is a bit unusual, since I’m in this in house separation hell, and he works nights. I have not had an hour to myself to go anywhere in a long time. I’m not against taking myself to the movies, but other than that? I don’t even know what I would do. Money is an issue, so those fun painting nights or things like that are out. In my head, this all translates to “I will always be alone.” I know. It feels that way. People KNOW I’m going through all of this and they are not reaching out. It hurts. I know they are busy, but a two second text would be amazing at this point. I spent 25 years with him, creating this life. Was it perfect? Heck no. Having to extricate myself from him and all that I know WHILE LIVING WITH HIM is insane.
I am not even sure if I’m communicating all of this in a coherent way, at this point. I mean, heck, at times, we are all a little lonely. I think I’m just completely blindsided by the extent of it. I’m dreading moving forward and losing time with my kids at the same time as I’m looking forward to a chance to take myself to a movie or even just watch an uninterrupted rated R movie here. I’m sure other parents can relate. I just can’t imagine what this new life will even look like, and in my head, it’s not full of life and joy. In my head, it’s full of less time with my kids, less money, more stress, and tons of loneliness. Ugh. Tell me it’s not the way I imagine it. I’m certainly hoping one of you is having a joyful single life.