Fears…They Continue

I have had SIX interviews in the last six weeks. SIX. Guess what? No job. My self-esteem was bad enough, but my LIFE depends on getting a job that I can support myself and my kids on, and it is taking its toll. I have three master’s degrees. THREE. Geez. Instead of making me more marketable, no one will hire me because they think I cost too much. I’m about to write that I’ll take the first year salary, if only I could just get back to a normal life and stop feeling like I’m free-falling.

I have so many fears that I could spend all night typing, and you’d get tired of reading. I’m still in that bad place in my mind, and while I am there, I am apparently, rolling around in the shit in my head. It’s rather deep in there. Can you even guess what else I’m afraid of? I have this fear he will get a young girl pregnant. Yep. I am done having kids, but you know, men can have kids quite long after us. I fear that my kids will end up losing their dad to some other girl, who just happens to believe whatever lies he spews at her this week. It’s unbelievable to me that people buy into this bullcrap, but we all know they do. So now I worry not only about the “women” he will bring around the kids, but I worry there will be new kids for my kids to have to compete with. How messed up is that? I will never say those words out loud. I won’t. But I’m telling you, based on what all has gone down already, this is a realistic fear. It certainly goes without saying that he has not used condoms in any of his cheating, and he continues to go after girls in their early 20s. How is this my life again?

Friends, all I want is to feel solid ground under me again. I want to feel a day off where I do not worry about money or finding a job or planning for an interview. I want to know my kids won’t just survive this disaster but will thrive and be happy. I want to stop feeling like I’m never going to feel good again. I hate that I am ashamed of what all is happening. I chose to trust and quit my job and move. I chose to believe that family had my back. There is no one to blame for the inevitable unraveling except me.

Truth be told, this week was very bad. After two no’s from jobs I really wanted and interviews I thought went well, I actually entertained suicide. I hate the idea of the kids being bounced from place to place and I just…I can’t accept that I will have to work in retail or a minimum wage job. I just cannot understand why I can’t catch a break. To be honest, I hate this life, and I am only here because I would not want to add to my kids’ pain. However, this can only last so long. Please pray somehow, some way, I find a position and begin to dig myself out of this in house separation and the nightmare of my life. Please pray I find meaning and stability in something.

It is so funny that only eight months ago, I believed we were on the way to reconciliation. I believed we were going to have a decent marriage and our kids would be in a stable situation. Now, I have lost nearly everything because I simply took a risk and jumped. What is it that they say? “Jump and the net will appear?” Umm…nope. No net. I’m still falling and falling and the whole damn earth has sucked me in. I cannot even find a way to start digging out. May you find the stability I crave and I pray that you are not reeling, as I am. May you find peace and solid ground.

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2 Responses to Fears…They Continue

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    Stay hopeful, in any small way you can. I understand. Have also hit a wall of suicidal shit this weekend. Ugh. This stuff is incredibly difficult to process and survive. Keep writing it out xxx

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  2. The right job is going to come. It will. Don’t give up on that or on your life. Not wanting to put your kids through the emotional trauma of losing their mother is an understatement. That kind of pain will never leave them, and that isn’t something you want to weigh down on them as they get older. You have to keep pushing forward and upwards, if for no other reason than them. I’ve been there, but always made myself imagine my daughters face – and it stopped me every single time. And I’m glad it did. There is an upside to all of this – but you gotta hang on. The cards will fall into place.

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