Today is Four Years

Today makes four years since my life has been completely changed. It’s funny. People will say, “Aren’t you glad you know? Isn’t it the best to know the truth of your life?” Well, yes…and no. Yes…because my GOD, how could we go on like that? How could I live wondering why my marriage never felt quite right? Why would I want to chance getting an STD? Also, no, I am not glad I know because who wants to have their entire safety and security ripped away? Who wants to lose their kids for half of their lives? Who wants to feel the deep, soul-searing pain of the truth of all that has happened, while you were busy living an authentic, truthful, faithful life?

Today, he has not acknowledged the date. I doubt he even remembers. I feel the pain and sadness. I remember the moment I found out. However, I also feel something resembling being ok. I don’t know if I will be. I hope so, but as we know, nothing is guaranteed. I do not yet have a job, and I do not know where that path will take me. I pray I finally find a place where I feel a part of something good and where I can do my best work, helping others.

I read something today that had me thinking. Our value is based on how others feel because of us. Our roles in society seem very fixed and clear–especially for women. If the kids are happy? Good mom! If our husband is happy and gets enough sex? Good wife! Yay us! Except somewhere in all of it we lose ourselves. Our value is simply that we ARE. We are here, and we are valuable because we add value to the world through our uniqueness. It really is interesting that we do not see it that way. I know that I am playing the comparison game more often than I would like to admit. Since finding out my husband cheated, I notice EVERY husband who appears to be treating his wife with respect and kindness. I realize that for someone to really SEE ME is one of the greatest gifts. When someone can meet me in the middle with compassion, listen, and sit with me in my pain? There really is no greater gift. It is a shame that so few people are able to do this. I also compare myself to other moms. Why do they seem to have it all together? I am the type of person who is exactly who I say I am. I’m on social media, telling my truth, and it is not pretty, especially when I see others’ lives.

Today, I did some self-care. I bought myself a coffee and a book, and I decided to try harder to focus on where I want to be. It is not easy when you are full of deep-rooted anxiety and fear to pull yourself up, despite what others think should be easy. Couple that with depression, and my ability to function in everyday life is at a level I cannot quite explain. Have you seen the movie Big Hero 6? I feel like Baymax when he’s run out of charge. It is nearly impossible to give a crap, and I am so deflated that I cannot really do much. I celebrate small victories and laugh at what used to be my normal. I ran circles around people and stayed up late to have this amazingly organized life.

Friends, today, if you are reading this, take a moment for you. Remind yourself of your value. Know that I am still here trying, too. I will cheer for you. I will celebrate your small victories. I know your pain, and I hate that you feel it. The only way I know to do this is through connecting with others. If you need support, reach out. Today, I have survived four years of life-changing truths. I may have a long road ahead, but I certainly know I am learning and helping others along the way.

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