The fact that I’m asking this almost four years from D-day is scary to me. I’m tired. I’m so lonely and isolated. I do not see a way out, and I certainly don’t see it getting better.
Of course, now I am stuck in this situation, waiting to land a job in a very difficult to find field in order to finally file and move forward somehow.
What feels even more awful and confusing is that in some ways, I do not want to at all deal with the divorce. I’m so sad that this is how it all ends. I’m still so stunned and incredibly sad he could not stop himself from cheating–that he could seriously do it again after watching all of my pain. That’s why I’m so confused that I do not hate him. I’m confused why this isn’t so easy. Why don’t I feel this need for shock and awe? I just think about all I do not know how to do. I wonder how I will take care of a house on my own. I wonder how I will take care of myself financially, let alone my beautiful kids. I no longer trust myself. I have made every wrong decision. I trusted so many people I should not have trusted.
It does not help that my family judges my decisions. My mom shares my choices and apparent “wrong moves” as if it is her story to tell, yet I am the author of this story, and according to them, I am writing this narrative all wrong. “Think positive,” they say. “Don’t react to anything he says,” they say. Don’t share painful feelings. Don’t make a mistake. Always put your kids first. To them, I have made every wrong life decision. To them, I am immature and selfish. They do not know my trauma and refuse to even just listen. If I request what I need, I am telling them how to respond to me and not allowing them to be who they are. My family is not getting it. They are adding to my pain. They are asking things of me that I am not capable of while in the midst of this trauma. I am doing rather well, considering. How many people do you know who moved across the country, found out their husband cheated AGAIN, and then moved their kids back home seven weeks later with no job and no money? They told me I could not do it. They told me I was being stupid and reacting. Guess what? My kids are thriving back home. I’m so glad to give them the smallest bit of stability.
It is the craziest thing. For years, I was so busy that I had no time to feel lonely. Now? I am buried in depression and sadness and loneliness. It runs so deep that I would not begin to know where to start. I honestly have always been fine spending time on my own. Even now, I go to the movies on my own. I read and reach out to others. Still, I cannot shake this deep, in my soul ache. You know how ALL those songs talk about a hole? I guess that’s it. Yet somehow, that doesn’t begin to touch it. I thought I had already grieved my marriage and began to accept my new reality, but I obviously have not. I have no idea what steps to take, and I am truly starting to believe it will not get better for a VERY long time. Yes, I am in counseling. Yes, I am a relatively healthy person. I read books, and I journal, and as you know, I blog. I even joined a Bible study, and I have lunch with friends. I meditate, and I watch Netflix to escape. I see movies on my own, relishing the ability to choose the one I see. Heck, I even binge cleaned my attic. So at what point, is there at least a break? At what point is there some acceptance of what is? At what point do I get to move on and feel better? Am I forever trapped in a “what could have been?”
Will I always be alone? Tonight, I am full of hurt at a level that I am incapable of describing. I have no analogy that even comes close. I can tell you that my friends tell me to believe and to pray. I have. I do. But I prayed before I quit my job to move. I prayed before trying to reconcile with a cheating husband. I prayed before moving to another state. And here I am. Here I am without a career or a way of taking care of myself now. I am trapped in this world of pain and hurt and frankly, I do not see how praying will help anymore.
I hope that no one reading this even feels half of the pain I am feeling. I want so much to know that some of you are healing and moving forward. I want to believe that there can be some good in this world, that someone is happy and good because right now, I’m losing all hope.