Lately, I’ve been wondering a lot about those I have considered to be friends. Since I had several very difficult life events occur (2nd dday, head-on car collision, loss of career), I thought that my past colleagues would reach out to me. Only one really has. They do not even text a quick, “Wondering about you.” It’s as if I was nonexistent the 15 years I was there and all the times I supported them.
I guess I am a person who checks on others. Even if they don’t have time to reply, I figure they know I’m thinking of them and I care. Yet what is so incredibly hard and hurtful is that in the loss of my marriage, I feel so alone and really need others. Normally, I’d go to work and keep busy, but I’ve lost that, as well. I am wondering if all adults go through this. I’m clear we get immersed in our own crazy lives. I know that I’m in some crazy low in my life where everything is going wrong at once. I just thought that would have brought more support.
Is it that I have a lot of work to do on myself? I feel rather comfortable on my own. I’m grieving my husband’s inability to stop choosing other women. I’m grieving the dream I had of an intact family for my kids. But I like who I am for the most part. I don’t mind the woman I am. It’s not like I am not aware of my shortcomings, but I’m definitely a good person and that matters. I’m smart and witty and I love learning.
I couldn’t sleep. It’s brutal knowing your husband is on the couch and refuses to move out, therefore slowing down your healing and acceptance. But somehow, it’s the loss of these people I thought were such good friends that cuts the deepest.