Loneliness

I have always been comfortable being alone.  I wake up early to have time on my own to write, read something positive, or meditate.  I retreat to my office for lunch to have time to regroup and process my morning.  I enjoy it and always feel refreshed and ready for the afternoon.

What I was not prepared for was the loneliness of being a betrayed spouse.  It seems that although I enjoy my alone time, what is happening is that I’m feeling isolated and very lonely.  It doesn’t help that two close friends moved to another state.  One knows about the affair and the other didn’t.  I felt like she was the only one who did not have a critique or judgment on my choice to try because hell, she didn’t know what happened.  It seems like in our adult lives, we have so few friends anyways.  We get so caught up in the busyness of just living that we don’t have the time to cultivate close friendships the way we might like to.  With kids and work and all of the life things there are to do, we rarely seem to have a chance to socialize.  I have work colleagues who are friends, but my particular job is one where I can go all day without seeing an adult.  Add on to my situation the trauma of the betrayal of my bosses and the fact that I am not really able to grow in my position the way I would love to, and I have quite a mess.  I just am frustrated with relationships that feel like just surface relationships.

I am lonely.  I am utterly lonely and really have no one to talk to about it.  At some point, I will need to choose to somehow stop coming back to the pain.  Of course, there is therapy and all kinds of other ways I am working to heal, but it is not helping to erase that loneliness.  Very rarely are people checking in or inviting me to do all that much, and I feel like I am floating through life, perhaps that my being here is really not impacting anyone at all.  Each day, I get up, I take care of my house and my kids, I work on healing and on acknowledging the changes I do see in my husband.  I just feel as if I am not living.  This is living?  How did I miss the loneliness before dday?  What is different now?  I don’t know what is really new now.  It is not like I had a huge list of friends before dday.  I just never really felt lonely.  What is this deep sadness and loneliness now really about?

Do you feel the same?  I am really interested in your thoughts on this one.

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2 Responses to Loneliness

  1. T says:

    I get it. My career isnt exactly “drinks after work” or “friend” oriented either. I am 10 years past high school graduation so hs friends have come and gone. Of course there is one or two but they have their own lives and so our meet and greets are very sporadic. And after finding out my husband betrayed me, I literally dropped everyone just to solely focus on rebuilding my marriage. Its been almost four years since dday and even tho my marriage is on track, there is a loneliness I feel, one that my husband can not. I think he knows it as well because he will make comments to me that he feels like he is talking to me but that I am not listening and yes, that is cuz he is right. I dont value our conversations or his words as much as I once did. However I am still married to him, even thankfully, and even tho I have loneliness and its something he cant fill, I dont allow the loneliness to get over bearing and when I am feeling it, I try and focus on what I do have and the changes that have been made and also, that nothing ever stays the same so I am hoping the lonliness will fade someday. Who knows, maybe I will make a new friend 🙂 lol. I know I just had our third baby and being at home on maternity leave for 8 weeks, I found myself really getting lonely, yet I am as busy as a bee, if that even makes sense. So ya, I am glad to be back at work cuz if I had to try and fill that lonely void, sitting at home all day with just me and a baby, I found my mind playing tricks on me and I could have potentially saw myself doing something I might regret in the future (like seek male attention) …so yup, made me very thankful to get my ass back to work lol.

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  2. cax60 says:

    I too am lonely- the loneliness only betrayed people can understand. You can’t really talk to anyone about it as friends think you really should be over it by now-3 years post D day for me. So you talk to therapists who don’t truly care- why should they? My spouse has still not been entirely truthful and in the end he is the only one who knows all the details and with whom you can really describe the total devastation. I think the sadness will always be there. And the loneliness- yes that too. I have to learn to do what I can to alleviate it but in the end it’s now part of me. Ironically we were both lonely people and euphoric to find each other and said to each other that our loneliness was now a thing of the past! Well, one of us decided to find someone else to share with and forgot all the things he had said to me. I know that even if loneliness is now part of me I can’t let it overwhelm me so , as with so many aspects of betrayal, I fight on. You have to do so as well.
    Strength to you.
    Kate xx

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