I have always been comfortable being alone. I wake up early to have time on my own to write, read something positive, or meditate. I retreat to my office for lunch to have time to regroup and process my morning. I enjoy it and always feel refreshed and ready for the afternoon.
What I was not prepared for was the loneliness of being a betrayed spouse. It seems that although I enjoy my alone time, what is happening is that I’m feeling isolated and very lonely. It doesn’t help that two close friends moved to another state. One knows about the affair and the other didn’t. I felt like she was the only one who did not have a critique or judgment on my choice to try because hell, she didn’t know what happened. It seems like in our adult lives, we have so few friends anyways. We get so caught up in the busyness of just living that we don’t have the time to cultivate close friendships the way we might like to. With kids and work and all of the life things there are to do, we rarely seem to have a chance to socialize. I have work colleagues who are friends, but my particular job is one where I can go all day without seeing an adult. Add on to my situation the trauma of the betrayal of my bosses and the fact that I am not really able to grow in my position the way I would love to, and I have quite a mess. I just am frustrated with relationships that feel like just surface relationships.
I am lonely. I am utterly lonely and really have no one to talk to about it. At some point, I will need to choose to somehow stop coming back to the pain. Of course, there is therapy and all kinds of other ways I am working to heal, but it is not helping to erase that loneliness. Very rarely are people checking in or inviting me to do all that much, and I feel like I am floating through life, perhaps that my being here is really not impacting anyone at all. Each day, I get up, I take care of my house and my kids, I work on healing and on acknowledging the changes I do see in my husband. I just feel as if I am not living. This is living? How did I miss the loneliness before dday? What is different now? I don’t know what is really new now. It is not like I had a huge list of friends before dday. I just never really felt lonely. What is this deep sadness and loneliness now really about?
Do you feel the same? I am really interested in your thoughts on this one.