Ah, Coping Mechanisms are Hard to Change

It has been a difficult week or so.  Along with the usual feelings of all that the holidays “should be” was a slip.  He lied.  He covered up something stupid with a lie.  What the hell?  Almost three years out, and I just sat there, stunned.  He did admit to the lie, but for the life of me I do not get the need to “protect yourself” by lying.

So to therapy I went.  What was useful in therapy was our discussion about coping mechanisms and addiction (compulsive behavior, etc.).  I guess it is safe to say that anyone who chooses to have an affair has shitty coping mechanisms.  Any betrayed spouse after dday insists on NO MORE LIES (duh.) The issue here is that many of those who have cheated have obviously taught themselves that lying is ok.  It was their “go to” for whatever time they were in the affair at least, possibly much longer.  What I seem to remember is that my H stretched the truth.  He’d add things to stories to make them funnier.  Right before dday, I remember saying to him, “That did not happen like that!”  He did not see it as an issue.  It made the story better.  I should have seen that waving red flag, huh?

Addiction causes people to have skewed thoughts.  It isn’t porn or cheating, so it is no big deal. Umm, yes.  It really is.  It seems to take them a while to see that any deception at all is the issue.  It has taken my H a while to begin to come out of self-preservation mode.  I am not entirely sure he even knows that he could be loved.  I think he is unhappy in who he was (and is?) and when he messes up, he lies to himself about the importance of being truthful, both to me and to himself.

So what now?  I am watching his actions.  He took his lie to his group and his therapist.  Now I see if when he messes up, he comes to me (and for the love of all that is holy, we all mess up.  Just ADMIT IT.  Stop being deceitful and thinking it will help!).  I know that I cannot keep waiting long for him to grow up, at the same time as I know he is changing and growing.  How sad that people are so emotionally messed up that they live a majority of their adult lives as a teenager (or younger!).

We have beautiful kids who are strong and thriving.  I know I at least am doing something right.  I will wait only as long as I can.  I pray he gets it quickly.

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1 Response to Ah, Coping Mechanisms are Hard to Change

  1. Hold your ground.

    One thing I learnt was to hold to one’s conviction, and not dilute it to appease the cheater. He has had a field day with his lying, and he should have known better than to make stories. It’s not a joke anymore.

    You stay firm, and don’t let him manipulate you at all.


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