I guess sometimes I think that if I try to distract myself, perhaps the pain won’t come rushing back. I suppose it is good that it is less.
In therapy this week, we talked about the pain and about the fact that I use sarcasm to hide the anger I feel. I do it all of the time–even in my work environment. I get a brochure on a leadership seminar and think, “Ha. It would be fun to put this in someone’s mailbox.” I guess over the years I have learned to use sarcasm to cope. Unfortunately, I’m not so sure it is working anymore. In fact, it seems as if it is not helping. It just reminds me that I am still hurt and all of the ways that I am still angry. I really have no idea if the anger subsides or lessens. Betrayal does not seem like something a person can just lose anger over. It is the deception and the stabbing in the back that just makes you feel insane for staying. It is not that I do not see the changes he has made and is making, but it is the fact that I have had to go through any of this pain at all. The fact that it is by his choices that I hurt. The fact that I trusted when I clearly should not have.
Christmas makes it all the more brutal to me. I remember how oblivious I was three years ago. They “took a break for Christmas.” While I was creating memories and wrapping and all of the things we do as wives and moms, he was still messaging her. He was still mentally checked out. It was during Christmas that year when he says he “came to his senses.” Christmas with his family made him see what a complete asshole he was being. The kicker? He had to still go back for one more round in January. Like I said…brutal. So creating the memories now? It feels fake or maybe like a bit of an out of body experience. I can see that he has made many changes and is starting to grow up, yet I can’t bring my mind completely to the present–to focus on the good now. It is a total mindfuck. There really is no other word that describes it.
So my beautiful, crazy kids will have a good Christmas with both parents. And yes, I will enjoy our time together, but somewhere, in the back of my mind is the knowing of all that was and what came to pass.
Has anyone found a good way to stop using sarcasm? What about to get that anger out (haha–in a healthy way?).