Merging Then and Now

As I prepare to head back to work, my anxiety continues to rise.  You know how you are going along ok, and then the reality of things kind of sneaks up behind you and whacks you in the head?  Yeah.  That happens to me.  I’m fighting off the panic attacks and the overwhelming feeling of dread.  This morning, I woke up from a series of dreams where I was interviewing, and they told me I did not have ANY of the skills they needed.  After going to a few interviews like that in my dream, I woke up feeling like I had something sitting on my chest.  I certainly cannot wait to find a position that enables me to use all of my skills and to feel valued.  I feel like I’m selling my soul to stay in my current one.

About the feeling of selling our soul…do you ever feel like you have to do that to stay?  I find it really hard to make sense of the person he was with the person he is.  I see the changes, but I still have some fear that things are not as they seem because let’s be honest.  Isn’t that how we were living for years?  We believed our marriage and our husbands were one thing and the reality was something completely different.  As much as I would like to say I’m jumping in and risking again, the truth is, I’m still tentatively tiptoeing around it.  I see many good changes and in that way, our “new” marriage is better.  He is still slowly growing in emotional intelligence, and I would venture to guess that for most of us, that is the case.  Most of those who cheat have a lot to learn that they somehow missed out on in their childhood.  Yet even if our marriage has changed for the better because he is working on his issues, I mourn for the person I was, and to be honest, I am angry that I had no choice in this.  I am not so sure I like how I see the world now.  I am hoping that this changes with time and the pain softens and allows me to believe that people in some relationships have a semi-healthy marriage.  They share and love and support freely with no resentment or keeping score.  They see the flaws in their spouse and accept it, and they openly share their own flaws, seeking to be known fully by someone.  The beauty in it is that they are authentic and understand that they must risk being fully known to have what they seek.  Tell me…do you know anyone who has this?  I certainly would love to hear about them.  I would love to gain back some of my faith that there can be that kind of love and that maybe, even with these painful, deep scars, I could still get there someday.

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1 Response to Merging Then and Now

  1. I seriously had to read your post thrice.

    My anxiety is a see-saw…it goes up, it goes down, but it is always there.

    New marriage…hmmm….let’s see. I am done with some things. It is is what it is.


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