I feel like this will not be my most coherent post, and yet, I need to share in the hopes that either getting it out will help or someone will respond in some way that makes me feel less alone.
What I’ve noticed is that those who cheat have little to no self-esteem. Even if it comes off as arrogance or being the life of the party, they are doing it all to feel that others like them. They feed off of the external ego kibbles and keep going back for more. So in reconciliation, it is so very frustrating to live with a man who has suddenly realized who he was during those years and to see that he has so little self-esteem, when I always thought he had more than enough. It is exhausting to wish I were married to someone who had the emotional intelligence of a 45 year old, when…I guess to be honest, it is more likely that of a teenager, and that is after a lot of therapy and work. I am in a ball on my couch sobbing into the pillow, wishing and praying that I could wave a magic wand and just make him grow the fuck up. The thing is that I can say it. I can YELL it, but he can’t just make it so. And friends I’m tired. I’m so tired of carrying the load. I’m tired of always doing the right thing and being the self-aware one and telling him what he might want to address in therapy because I cannot take another minute of it, and I certainly cannot do the work. I know he is in there trying, but my God…how many years do I need to give up to this? Will he ever be an adult emotionally? Am I going to wake up one day and realize that this is as good as it gets because let me tell you, it is not enough!
I hope he never finds this blog because I know it would hurt him, and it is not my intention. I do believe he is trying. Yet he bounces back to his old coping mechanisms , and it triggers the hell out of me. Lying about stupid things is still lying! It still says something about you and your character. What the heck? Why bother lying? I’m just wondering if there is anyone who stays and feels whole again. Does anyone feel like they have seen such growth in their wayward spouse? It’s been over two years and still (STILL!) there are lies and slips. Still he is childish in his behavior and responses. Still he cannot see when a comment I may make is out pain or my jealousy of those families that do not have to live with the pain of this scar. I feel like this will be forever. I feel like I may get moments of calm, but that I will never quite feel like I am living again. I feel so sad for what I thought I had, for that fantasy world I apparently created in my head, where my husband loves me enough to tell another woman no.
Cheers to all of you still following this. I’m having some Chardonnay tonight and trying to calm the pain and the deepest grief imaginable. May you all feel some much-deserved peace.