This is the first time I don’t have a major idea or theme for my blog. Maybe it’s that I’m feeling sad. I honestly have no major reason to be depressed. The work drama continues, and I think that mostly, I am hating the feeling that I have no control over anything. I am waiting to hear news after a job interview for a job I really want, and the weird thing is that I feel this feeling of fight or flight increasing. I have typed up my letter of resignation, and I live in fear that I will have to return to this toxic environment next year. I cry every day as I leave work from the built up stress and anxiety that I have held in all day. Not really the way I want to live.
Things at home are…good. I hesitate to say that because it feels like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know the feeling? He has been kind and attentive and frankly, understanding. It is rather refreshing.
I did have a rather frustrating few days when I had a dream that it was before we were married and that as long as he used a condom, it wasn’t cheating. In my dream, he was having sex with two other women. I remember telling him he had to pick, and he did not choose me. Then I woke up. Fantastic. Then, I had a moment when I got angry about the injustice of it. I have been helping his parents because his mom is sick. I love them, and I do not resent helping; however, these weird, deep hurts bubble up in the midst of helping. I think about how I am good enough to cook, clean, and take care of our kids and his parents but not good enough to be faithful to. I swear the anger surges back. I can be in the middle of helping his parents do the simplest thing, and I just feel so angry. It’s awful because I don’t think it has a thing to do with them–just with him and how he took advantage of the person I am. It is a hard thing to accept some days.
So I am in a funk that mostly has nothing to do with the affair. I guess I can say that is a good change, right? Maybe this is the week when I get a fresh start at work and a chance to grow and change in new ways. I certainly have to have some hope or I’m not sure what deep hole I will land in. How have you turned around a difficult work situation? I could certainly use some positive ideas.