After Dday, I started really noticing wayward qualities in others. No boundaries. Flirting. Gaslighting. Not owning their actions or being self-aware. I see it constantly and wonder if those people have cheated or if they are on the slippery slope, headed in that direction.
At work, I’ve noticed some things that have really bothered me. One thing is how sexual harassment is laughed off. The good ol’ boys can make a comment and think we should be ok with it. Sadly, someone I considered a friend actually made a comment about me sitting on his lap. I still can’t believe it. He even knew about my husband’s affair. It definitely shifted my thoughts on our friendship.
In the higher ups, I see things such as using power to control or manipulate. My current boss yesterday got defensive simply because I asked for clarification on my evaluation. I wanted to know more and how to get better. Apparently any question is a bad question. I suddenly became “difficult to work with” and “standoffish.” Well, if I wasn’t before, I certainly can’t imagine a working relationship with him now. He shoved all of the blame for his lack of knowledge about my job onto me. It certainly reeked of wayward tendencies and left me feeling deeply hurt and angry. Work was my safe place for a long time. Now it most definitely is not. When someone gets angry and defensive because their employee is asking for information on how to improve, that certainly makes a person wonder what is going on underneath. There is definitely a control issue and likely, he has a lack of confidence in his current position. What I find crazy is that these people dig themselves in deeper and deeper, instead of simply addressing the issue. We can talk all around the issue, but if he’s stuck in the idea that he is right, just like my husband during the affair, well, I will get no where.
So I guess that is where I am. Nowhere. I do not have a completed evaluation. I do not have goals that pertain to my job description. I do not know why I did not get a better rating or how to improve it next time. I simply know he’s angry I asked. He’s going to punish me for doing so. And friends, I am SO tired of this kind of thing in my life. I ache to kick butt on the job and have someone see how hard I am working. To feel supported and confident. To have ideas that are heard. Instead, I am living in this crazy alternative world where I do not get to ask? Where he “feels” my performance is a certain rating but has no evidence and won’t take any of mine? Gah. I’m on the precipice of something…I simply need to walk over.