Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  I feel a bit torn about it all.  Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate moms.  It is a day to reflect on the relationships we have with our own moms and with our children–at least that is what I tend to do.

When my son was born, I loved Mother’s Day and that after losing a baby, I was able to finally be a mom; I had the privilege of parenting this crazy, little boy.  Each Mother’s Day after was full of macaroni necklaces, handprints, and plants.  When I had two more losses, I felt he would be an only child.  As many of you probably know, there is a deep grief and loss in that.  I finally had some fertility help, and we were blessed with twin girls.  Now, to be completely honest, being told there were twins was one of the scariest moments in my life.  My husband did not handle it well, and mainly that was because of money.  We had a lot of fear about how to make it all work.  So after that, motherhood had a bit of fear attached to it.

After they were born, my girls were crazy and beautiful and challenging.  I felt we were given such a gift and that even if things were very difficult, we would make it through it together, as a team.

Then D-day happened.  Suddenly, being a mom was more than I felt I could handle.  I did not know how to pretend to be ok as my world was swirling out of control.  I did not know how to keep creating these memories for holidays and really, just for the normal days.  I felt like I was barely surviving and that there was no way I could be a good mom. Even now I know I missed at least a year of their beautiful lives that I cannot get back.  I know that it is not my fault and that I did the best I could, but there still is a sadness in it. They were so young and I have no memory of a lot of things.  I guess trauma will do that to a person.

So being a mom is kind of a mixture of amazing feelings and grief.  It’s the weirdest thing.

Tomorrow, I am going to spend every minute thinking about how lucky I am to have these precious children in my life.  I am going to be as present in the moment as I can, and I sure as hell am not going to spend a minute thinking about the affair.  Tomorrow is about being a mom and about being a damn good one.  It is about joy and love and silly faces and giggles.  I don’t want to miss another moment.  Not one.

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1 Response to Bittersweet

  1. I am sorry about your losses. I have had my share of dealing with IF and loss.

    I am not really a “Days” person. My children are too young to have done something themselves. My husband wished, and I shot him down (I have a bad tongue), and he was like “don’t you like anything I say?”. I did reply, don’t know what it was, but yes, I just feel like I am out to grate him at every conversation.

    How did it go eventually for you?


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