When the Good is Bad

I was just sitting here today wondering when good will simply feel good again.  I think you probably know what I mean.  It happens in an instant.  You are doing something with family, friends, as a couple, and you are finally, truly enjoying yourself, and then…WHAM!  It is like a protective thing.  You suddenly feel like “oh no.  I can’t feel good or have fun or joy because that is how it was before and look how I was treated!  I was duped.”  Yeah.  It certainly ruins the best of times–the times when we most want to forget all of the pain that we are processing.

It happens to me in the smallest of moments–from when my girls are telling us the best stories to my son’s baseball games.  I’ll be in the moment, and then I’ll look at my husband, and it will smack me in the face.  I’ll think, “How could he not see the beauty in all of this?  How could he risk our kids and our wonderful life?”  I certainly have no answers to it because even he says it is not logical and makes no sense to him now.  I still struggle with it all and try to get him to tell me how he thought back then.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t help much either because my gosh, it is ridiculous the things he told himself and the way he thought just is not logical.  I keep trying to accept that I will never really understand how people can hurt others in this way.

Moving forward, my goal is to really try to be more present.  I have good days and bad at this, I suppose.  I really want to enjoy more of my life because darn it, it is the only one I get.  My kids are growing up too fast, and honestly, I missed quite a bit of it while I was struggling through the trauma of the very early days.  I’ve been waking up early to practice mindfulness, and I feel a bit more at peace when I am done.  I’m hoping it is helping and it just sort of merges into my healing process.  I keep reminding myself that this is the only chance I get at this, and I don’t want to waste a moment I don’t have to waste.

What have you been doing that has helped you when you are pulled out of your joy?  Are you able to pull yourself back to the present?  Find good things your husband is doing? Please share!  I’m looking for new coping mechanisms and perhaps others are too.

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2 Responses to When the Good is Bad

  1. I’m still working in this. It’s a struggle!

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  2. It’s killing really. His cheating on me left me vulnerable in a very horrifying way.

    Much of our marital life was spent in fertility treatment. And though, he was as much a part of it, you know who gets the hormones through pills and injections, is wanded and has timed sex, who tracks ovulation and periods? The wife.

    I lost my firstborn. I discovered his nascent phone chat adventure with someone from his building. I call it inapt. He stops taking her calls. That lasted a fortnight, and so much happened after that, that I had forgotten this brief thing before the affair exploded in front of me.

    I have my first living child, and boy, its crazy. I am also working full time through it all. I get my PhD. I am tired of conception but want to try one last time. We manage and bingo my son is conceived. It is in this last pregnancy when my husband goes all out enjoying his free sex ride of a lifetime. I mean, it was something to listen to him confess, but another blow to know that it was awesome sex, and how wonderful she was in the sheets, how she was ready any time she was touched. You look at the man and wonder where this creep was hiding all this time?

    I am livid, and internally go into combustion when I re-live and connect dots I never connected before.

    Good question. How do you cope?

    1. I dont have access to any therapy, so blog has been one big lifeline in terms of vent-out. And trust me, the vent is crucial.

    2. I am more assertive about my feelings. Before, if I felt that he did not like my reaction, I would have toned down spontaneously to accommodate, but not anymore. I assert my feelings like I feel them. It is not easy for me but I am trying.

    3. Identify signs of mental and emotional abuse. It is gaslighting for me. See point number 2, and now I no longer accept the modification he makes.

    4. Learn to stay silent, and listen. It helps.

    5. Music.

    6. Daydreaming. I am having a major crush on Simon Baker these days, and there’s a hot romance spooling out there.

    7. Most importantly – keep your brains and your heart separate. And your wallet too. That stays separate.

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