I was just sitting here today wondering when good will simply feel good again. I think you probably know what I mean. It happens in an instant. You are doing something with family, friends, as a couple, and you are finally, truly enjoying yourself, and then…WHAM! It is like a protective thing. You suddenly feel like “oh no. I can’t feel good or have fun or joy because that is how it was before and look how I was treated! I was duped.” Yeah. It certainly ruins the best of times–the times when we most want to forget all of the pain that we are processing.
It happens to me in the smallest of moments–from when my girls are telling us the best stories to my son’s baseball games. I’ll be in the moment, and then I’ll look at my husband, and it will smack me in the face. I’ll think, “How could he not see the beauty in all of this? How could he risk our kids and our wonderful life?” I certainly have no answers to it because even he says it is not logical and makes no sense to him now. I still struggle with it all and try to get him to tell me how he thought back then. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help much either because my gosh, it is ridiculous the things he told himself and the way he thought just is not logical. I keep trying to accept that I will never really understand how people can hurt others in this way.
Moving forward, my goal is to really try to be more present. I have good days and bad at this, I suppose. I really want to enjoy more of my life because darn it, it is the only one I get. My kids are growing up too fast, and honestly, I missed quite a bit of it while I was struggling through the trauma of the very early days. I’ve been waking up early to practice mindfulness, and I feel a bit more at peace when I am done. I’m hoping it is helping and it just sort of merges into my healing process. I keep reminding myself that this is the only chance I get at this, and I don’t want to waste a moment I don’t have to waste.
What have you been doing that has helped you when you are pulled out of your joy? Are you able to pull yourself back to the present? Find good things your husband is doing? Please share! I’m looking for new coping mechanisms and perhaps others are too.