One of the things that has really been in my face lately is how much this betrayal has affected other life experiences. For example, yesterday, my kids were in the car, and they noticed a gem on a sign. They are talking on and on about how beautiful it is and about princesses and such. I suddenly snapped to attention. The sign? The Diamond Royale. Ah, of course. The beautiful gem was associated with strippers. My stream of consciousness went all through the circular thinking…objectification of women, porn, princesses, lack of being able to understand true intimacy. I was not spiraling down. In fact, I was just simply sad for our society and for what so many seem to value over truth and reality. For a minute, I was a little worried for my girls. How can I be sure I instill in them the self-confidence they will need? How can I ensure they will choose a man who values them and real life in all its glory over fantasy?
This kind of thing happens to me all of the time. I have these life triggers, and I am just so sad about the life I have chosen. I am sad that his decisions stole quite a bit from me. To be honest, I have been having many good days. We have had some really good talks, but underneath, there is still that deep sadness.
The worst thing lately for me has been work. I notice how things that may have barely affected me before seem to have me in an emotional tailspin. I no longer want to stay silent at work because I feel like I was silenced in my marriage. I feel like I deserve a voice somewhere…and well, perhaps that is not the best thing. The work situation has been very difficult. Morale is down. No one has had a raise in seven years. People do not feel valued. Comments have been made about cuts and about my particular position. I feel like I’m in immediate fight or flight mode. My boss already used her knowledge of the affair to hurt me. I’m simply unsure how much more I can take. It’s so weird how the place that was once such a safe haven for me is now less safe than my home–where I stopped feeling safe two years ago. I feel crazy some days, as I drag myself out of bed and force myself through the motions of going to work. I try so very hard to find the positives. Some days, I’m more successful than others. Most days, I pray to God that I am able to find a new position where I can grow and feel valued. I am so tired of feeling stuck in my life.
Are there life experiences you have had that are made worse by the infidelity? What have you done to make these easier or at least more livable? I’m so interested in your replies.