Experiences Compounded

One of the things that has really been in my face lately is how much this betrayal has affected other life experiences.  For example, yesterday, my kids were in the car, and they noticed a gem on a sign.  They are talking on and on about how beautiful it is and about princesses and such.  I suddenly snapped to attention.  The sign?  The Diamond Royale.  Ah, of course.  The beautiful gem was associated with strippers.  My stream of consciousness went all through the circular thinking…objectification of women, porn, princesses, lack of being able to understand true intimacy.  I was not spiraling down.  In fact, I was just simply sad for our society and for what so many seem to value over truth and reality. For a minute, I was a little worried for my girls.  How can I be sure I instill in them the self-confidence they will need?  How can I ensure they will choose a man who values them and real life in all its glory over fantasy?

This kind of thing happens to me all of the time.  I have these life triggers, and I am just so sad about the life I have chosen.  I am sad that his decisions stole quite a bit from me.  To be honest, I have been having many good days.  We have had some really good talks, but underneath, there is still that deep sadness.

The worst thing lately for me has been work.  I notice how things that may have barely affected me before seem to have me in an emotional tailspin.  I no longer want to stay silent at work because I feel like I was silenced in my marriage.  I feel like I deserve a voice somewhere…and well, perhaps that is not the best thing.  The work situation has been very difficult.  Morale is down.  No one has had a raise in seven years.  People do not feel valued.  Comments have been made about cuts and about my particular position. I feel like I’m in immediate fight or flight mode.  My boss already used her knowledge of the affair to hurt me.  I’m simply unsure how much more I can take.  It’s so weird how the place that was once such a safe haven for me is now less safe than my home–where I stopped feeling safe two years ago.  I feel crazy some days, as I drag myself out of bed and force myself through the motions of going to work.  I try so very hard to find the positives.  Some days, I’m more successful than others.  Most days, I pray to God that I am able to find a new position where I can grow and feel valued.  I am so tired of feeling stuck in my life.

Are there life experiences you have had that are made worse by the infidelity?  What have you done to make these easier or at least more livable?  I’m so interested in your replies.

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6 Responses to Experiences Compounded

  1. What a significant question. Everything is really changed. I am not the dumb ass I used to be. Before I would not even have vaguely considered something like this happening to me.

    But look, it already did!

    Before his infidelity if you asked why we were together, I would have replied that it was because we were married. Now if you ask, I would say that it is more for the kids, and I mentally and emotionally per se can do without him as well. You get the drift?

    If you read my blog, you would know the eternal poofy sunshine he has cast on my life. I feel like a failure, my self-worth is dented, my self-doubt compounded.

    His adventure coincided with my pregnancy and our 11th wedding anniversary. The birth of my son? Ruined.

    Anniversary? Ruined.

    We planned a lunch, a meal I had looked forward to at a personal favourite of mine. We spent time with each other, and later in the day, with his parents. It was genuinely a break from the routine we had from the previous years. Later on, I would discover that while he made plans with me, he was chatting up, cavorting and begging for pictures from the whore of how she looked when she woke up. She obliged by raising her bare leg, resting it on a wall, clicked pictures and sent them for my husband to drool. She just about missed a picture of the crotch, but well, they saw each other in the whole naked glory fuss by the end of the same month.

    I don’t know why I am so upset.

    My husband says that if I forget about the whole thing, life would be super again.

    I would rather maintain my ears and eyes on him.

    I did not tell people IRL about his wandering dick. I can hardly talk every time I trigger. So blogging lets me vent.

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    • I do read your blog, and friend, you are not fake…you are REAL EVERYTHING. That is the entire point. The point is that you are real, and he wanted fake. If he still wants fake, then reconciling won’t work, even if you twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make him happy (at the cost of your soul). Chump Lady can say all she wants, but she is not me or you. I promise you that in this moment, I am quite me. I am authentic me, and you are living the real you. The issue is that our husbands did not. They couldn’t. They simply refused to choose to see who they were being and what they were valuing. And honestly, if THAT is what your husband has determined he wanted? Even now? For gosh sakes, let him have it. You are NOT a failure. His actions have made him a failure at being a faithful husband. Of course he wants you to rugsweep. How much easier it would be for him not to have to look at his actions and your pain. But NO. JUST NO. He needs to dig in there and find out how he could allow himself to lose integrity for sex. You are beautiful and you are enough. If he does not or cannot see it? You deserve better. Hugs from here. (I sure do wish we could hang out and have coffee).

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      • I have always wondered if marriages are that hard to maintain? And if they are so hard, why is everyone in so much favour for them.

        Shouldn’t the communication be easy between people who have become comfy with one farting in front of another, otherwise?

        I do understand that rugsweep is an awesome way to destroy any topic. If you ignore it, it goes away. My husband says that he has answered all my questions, and has done so repeatedly. That the more we talk, the sadder I stay.

        He wants to move on, and he thinks that not mentioning the slut is constructive way to think and focus our mutual energies.

        I am not over this betrayal yet. So yeah, I have the flat tyre I am not mending.

        Well, tell you what, I will have my tea answering your next post, and you have coffee replying to my comment, and we can possibly do your last request.

        🙂

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      • I think they do take work, and I guess ours felt so easy to me that I…I don’t know… I should have done things I didn’t know needed done? Something, obviously. The thing is that if he’d be honest about the things he was feeling resentful about, it would have given me an opportunity to address a lot of things. Without honesty and openness, I had no chance. And sure, it SHOULD be easy, but if one person is not being honest and is shoving the crap down and keeping track of unexpressed resentment in their heads, well hell, I don’t see how anyone can fix that.

        The question is do YOU feel your husband has answered all of the questions. I’m pretty sure you are going to say no. That is all that matters here. And sure you are sad and hurt. My gosh, it makes me angry when they expect something different. You can’t treat someone close to you like this and expect them not to be sad. I don’t understand that logic. What I do understand is that trauma requires us to ask and ask and ask until we are done processing it. There have been times when I have thought I was going mad because I’ve asked the same damn question over and over. As time has gone on, I’ve found those same questions go away. If he’s answered in a non-defensive way each time? Then it seems like my brain figures it out and I can put it behind me. Otherwise? I keep asking. Not mentioning her is not going to keep you from thinking about her or what happened. That’s illogical. You will continue to work through it until you are done with it.

        And no, I’m not over it yet either. I’m so sick of thinking of it, though, and I wish we could get a break. In the meantime, I am taking a sip from this margarita in your honor, friend. Cheers.

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  2. It’s true, I am going to chew on it, till I have completely understood it.

    I also feel that answering the questions makes him uncomfortable (and it SHOULD be uncomfortable), and we have so many other anxieties at our hands. I feel like infidelity should not have been the reason why he suddenly sees any value in me.

    I had a cold coffee about half an hour back. Dedicated that to you now. 🙂

    Like

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