Tomorrow is the two year mark of my Dday–my Dday antiversary. To say that it does not bring up a lot of feelings and insecurities would be a lie. I have had a rough week and have had some triggers. I feel crankier than usual. In the past two years, I have been through more pain than I ever thought was possible and been betrayed by more people than I care to think about. Each betrayal was another blow, adding on to this crazy ride.
Two years ago, I found the photo on his computer after following a feeling I had–a gut instinct that I should dig. When I found it, I knew. I just could not accept the reality, and I even contacted her via Facebook. First she denied, then she told me to talk to my husband, and then she threatened me and told me to stay away from her family–you know, the way she stayed away from mine. Two years ago, my world imploded, along with everything I thought I understood about my life and the people in it. It took him ten days to admit to the physical affair, and I kicked him out. Two years ago, I was forever changed. The person I was is no more.
In her place is this new person–stronger than I ever thought I could be (than I ever wanted to be). I have grown and am healthier, I suppose, because of all of the therapy. My view of the world and the people in it, unfortunately, has changed. I go through my day-to-day, but there seems to be this overlay of sadness that seeps into my pores. I feel unsure of the future, even though I know I will be ok. It is this sense that at any time, I could find something new or realize that this was a deal breaker for me. I now know all too well what he is capable of. I pray he is changing, but as we know, nothing is for sure.
I will never say I am glad that this happened or that we are better for it. I will never say I have a better marriage because it is just different now. My innocence is gone, and I wish I had the trust I once did. I wish I could just sink into his hug and feel the relief you get from knowing the other person has your back no matter what. I know I will spend moments over the next few days, reliving that day two years ago and all of the pain and fear. I will remember finding out that people do not always keep their promises, even when said before God. Yet somehow, I will find a way to make the day just another day. I will stand firm in the knowledge that I know who I am, and though I wish I could change this part of my story, I can’t. I will move forward because that is the only choice. I move forward because I am seeking my new happiness.