Before and After

Isn’t that how we see it?  It’s like we are in this alternate reality.  Before the affair and then after.  Before–when our lives seemed what we thought was normal.  When we thought our significant others loved us and would never betray us.  When the day to day had a rhythm and a comfort and sometimes, even a joy to it.  Then, the after.  NOW we know the reality.  We have seen what they are capable of.  We know our lives are not what we had thought.  Was it all a lie?  How can they do it?  Who IS this person?  How could we not know?  How could they not SEE us for who we really are?

Do you see the world differently now?  I used to believe more in love and goodness and gave of myself so freely.  Now it’s like I see the seedy underbelly of the world.  I haven’t given up on integrity, morality, and love in the world, yet it seems like the nastiness and darkness have driven it out some?  I keep remembering finding out all of the things he had done, each new finding a blow to my heart and to my logical mind. I remember trying to understand the world of cheaters, so I Googled all of the things.  I KNOW you have done this.  You Google and find pages of other women and men who have cheated. You try to understand how they think, how people can hurt those they love.  You end up on disgusting porn sites, dating sites, and Craigslist and see things you NEVER KNEW EXISTED because why would you?  I wanted to stab my eyes out after seeing all of these married men posting from my city on Craigslist.  I have lost so much of my innocence and the part of me that just trusted that…well, that love wins.  My gosh I was and still am stunned at the things people will do for attention or to seek…what?  These things will never fill the holes in their heart.

Before, we had this history and a beautiful family.  We had lost grandparents and friends. We had been through four job losses together.  Lost babies.  I felt that all of those things held us together, weaving all of the strands of our lives and experiences together into one life tapestry.  Surely he valued marriage, family, love, memories as I did.

After, I realize that he said “I love you” and pulled my car out for me that morning, but then went to her two hours later.  I find out that he valued sex over commitment.  That bullshit comments from someone simply to boost his ego meant more than the years of a life together.  It occurs to me that my texts telling him I loved him reached him while he was with her, and of course, he did not answer.  I realize that whether his wedding ring was on or off–he destroyed the sacredness of our bond for “just sex.”  That’s quite the shit sandwich to swallow.

As I sit here, holding my glass of wine, I think of all of you out there, also in pain, and I wish we could all sit together on a porch and drink some wine together, share our stories and support each other.  So, dear readers, grab your glass and raise it high.  We are survivors.  Cheers to all of you walking this path.  I know we are changed.  I know we are strong.  Together, we will survive this and grow.  Leave me a comment and share what you are raising your glass to today.

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2 Responses to Before and After

  1. kaye72978 says:

    It’s so awful- all of it. Not only that there are endless spouses willing to discard their families for sex and attention, but the depth of pain that family now must suffer through. It’s 2 yrs and 3 months for me and I’m still mourning. My husband brought the woman to our home and as we sat outside today the realization that actually happened once again put an ache inside of me. My husband is trying but the sad fact is that a part of me will always be disappointed in him.

    If I could cheer for anything- it’s that I’m still here. I was never one that allowed compliments to make me feel valued. I value myself. I never have to hate who I am. Despite everything I’m still strong and standing firm.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kaye, yes. That there are SO many of us is something so awful to me.

      I’m so sorry he violated your space. I can only imagine the pain and triggers that adds to this already painful journey. Raising my glass to you for standing strong in your truth. May it get easier for us all and may we find peace.


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