Infidelity is a mindfuck. There is no other word that comes close to describing it. I have tried to use others and honestly, I cannot find one. So, mindfuck it is.
In the early days, I would wake up and could not make the questions stop. Those were horrible, painful “discussions,” and he did resent being woken up in the middle of the night. I simply did not care. I had a need to know. Then, I tried to walk around where I would not bother anyone to try to kill that fight or flight instinct. I sobbed from the deepest parts of my soul and talked to myself. None of it seemed to help, but I had to get those feelings out. I had to hear him answer the questions a million times to even begin to feel better.
I am thankful that he finally does not get defensive (most days!) when I ask the same questions now. That he answers in ways that are healthier. That he seems to see me. If you are trying to stop the questions, I want to ask you not to do that to yourself. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. Get the questions out and have him answer as many times as you need him to. If he wants to stay in your marriage, he will do it. If he asks you why you need to know or tells you he’s already answered that question? Those answers give you information. I think of it this way, if I had cheated, there is no way I could get defensive. I would KNOW in my heart and soul that I was wrong and had done something so deeply painful to my husband. Why on earth would I not answer the questions a million times over?
At two years out, I still do have questions. They are things I may have asked a bunch of times already or things that have slipped between the cracks, and they just come up. I keep looking for the logic in the situation, for something that makes sense about how two people can think that random sex will make them feel better as people . How they can know they are speaking words they don’t mean, but obviously, the other person means what they are saying to them. I won’t find that answer and neither will you. It certainly will make us crazy. The reason we can’t understand it is simply that we don’t think that way. We have grown and matured and know what is valuable.
If you are choosing to try to stay in your marriage, draw your boundaries. Insist on the treatment you deserve and have always deserved. Stand up for yourself, and if you have kids, stand up for them. In the end, they need to grow up, mature, SEE YOU, or there really is nothing worth fighting for, is there? Reconciliation is a gift from the strong, amazing betrayeds. May our significant others see it as such and step up and do their work.