One of the biggest realizations I have had in this process is that I was never in control of my life, or more importantly, I was not in control of my husband’s actions. Sure, I thought I was in control of the things in my environment and that everything was operating in a “normal” way. Then, I found out that my world was not quite the way I perceived it to be. I felt as if I were having an out of body experience. Some days, I still feel that way. The truth is that none of us are ever really in control. It is a fake sense of security in an insecure and crazy world. Our marriage was an institution we believed in and upheld, while our spouses did not. That is very difficult to come to terms with.
What can we do with this sense of loss and fear now that we know the truth about our lives and our marriages? One of the things I have found helpful is focusing on my own healing. When people first started saying that, I wondered what the heck they meant. My OWN healing, while clearly my husband had issues and needed coaching and help? Yes. That is just it. We have to let go of their process and focus on ourselves. Was this easy for me? Nope. It really was not. I have mostly let go of checking and triple checking things. I do not look at his computer history and rarely do I look at his location. What I do is focus on getting to a place of knowing I will be ok. I am so grateful for getting to that place. Would I like to live without my family intact? Of course not. However, I know that I CAN do that and will be ok and even at peace.
One of the things I did recently was visit a lawyer and ask a lot of questions. For me, knowing the reality and truth of my situation was not necessarily pretty or what I wanted it to be, but it was the truth. I have come to accept what would likely happen if we were to divorce, and in time, it has allowed me to feel more secure with trying to fully reconcile our marriage.
Another thing that has really helped with my sense of control is to meditate. I found a meditation app that I have really enjoyed using. It has helped me to feel less stressed and to feel as if I am grounded in today and not so focused on all of the difficult things in the past.
What has been working for you? I look forward to your comments.