The End? The Beginning?

February 15th he is moving out. I know I should feel happy, relieved. What I feel is deep sadness. I’m grieving for a life I thought I had…what I had hoped for. I’m heading to the lawyer next week and preparing for the grief my kids will now face.

I don’t know what to do with it all. I feel like I will never feel secure or safe. I feel scared to death. 25 years is a long time to be with someone. Now, I have no backup. I feel like I’m free falling and there is no escape from it. I wish I knew that I was not making a mistake. I wish I knew that I will one day feel happiness again. I wish I trusted people or believed in genuine goodness again. I have learned more than I ever wanted to about loss, addiction, betrayal.

I’m very tired. I don’t know how long I can keep this up. If you have a positive story, please feel free to share in the comments. I know I could use it. Perhaps someone else could, too.

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I hope it gets better.

Friends, I’m tired. Exhausted. I just keep hoping it gets better, but then things keep happening and I don’t see a break. No end in sight.

First, he had another auto accident. Insurance dropped him…now his insurance is $450 a month. I’m grateful to still be able to keep mine and the house insurance for now. Still, that is a huge blow to finances, and I can’t imagine how we will afford two households.

As this all goes along, I feel less in control of my situation with my son. He is so angry and hurt. I hate what this has all done to him, but he cannot be rude and disrespectful. I know that middle school is a particularly crappy time and that he is testing me, but when he throws things out there to hurt me, well, he does. He has no idea the extent of what I’ve been through or am going through, nor should he at 13. Still, it is so hard.

I had to finally give in and go to the doc for meds. I simply cannot stop crying or keep my chin up. I really just can’t take anymore bad news.

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Ah, and so it’s time to plan the Divorce

It seems like I’m living in an alternate reality. I wake up at night, crying, anxious. I don’t sleep well. I’m trying to take herbal remedies to “fix” my sadness, depression, anxiety. I don’t know that I should be “fixed.” This is me in the trenches. Me in the darkness. I’ll figure it out, but damn this grief is a killer.

You know, what I think is so eye opening is how little others truly reach out. I look around me and when I know someone is going through something, I send a text, a message…anything. Because on this side of loneliness? Knowing that someone cares is the only thing keeping me going, and I’m not really getting anyone to check in. I feel invisible and as if I don’t matter. If I were completely honest, if it weren’t for my kids, I wouldn’t be here. It’s not that I want to be with him or even think about that aspect at all. It’s not an option. It’s that the “life” I’m living isn’t a life at all, and I’m tired. Knowing that I will need to continue with herbs, drugs, therapy and all of it for years to come is just overwhelming. The reality is that this has left me with such a jaded look at others; I don’t see a way forward and certainly can’t imagine ever trusting anyone enough to have a relationship.

Work is not what I had wanted it to be. It is definitely a lonely place, and I surely miss the friends I’d made over the years at my last job. I’ve found that I feel so unmoored, with neither home nor work a safe place. To be fair, I can pay my bills and I have insurance. There is comfort in that.

At some point here, I have to find out way “out of the dregs,” or why am I writing this blog? I thought for sure my life was taking a different path than it has. Now, I just need to pray that things start to feel better. I don’t know how to do this, friends. I really don’t.

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Why Do Things Come Back Up?

I really hate when something in the present triggers things from the past. My sister is having a baby. It brings up all of the memories of mine, which should be amazing, right? Yet, in the background are the memories of the OW holding my baby girls and taking their first photos. I had no idea what all had gone on and what was to come.

To add to that is the memories of what happened when I lived where she is living. I moved there to be closer to her. To family. In the end, I could not get any of the support I so desperately needed, and our relationship feels surface. In fact, it probably always will be, though I can hope it will change. I don’t see how to ever share with her the depths of my feelings or my pain. When you share that with someone and every time you do, they tell you to “just be positive,” it absolutely is not helpful. No, I don’t want to wallow in this pain forever, but I sure want to grieve the reality of what is, the loss of a complete family and a partner. I think the fact that we are still living together is just adding to it all. I’m so tired of hurting. So strange that her going into labor is bringing up all of this, isn’t it? Shouldn’t a new birth=a new life. Gosh, I sure wish it was that easy.

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Why am I so lonely?

I used to always crave alone time. I lived for time to decompress, read, sit in silence? Now? I still need it but it makes me cry. I cry at pretty much anything these days. The smallest thing one of my kids does can send me into a tailspin that I’m embarrassed to admit can last for some time.

I thought this new job would help. Surely I would be busy and that would give me some confidence and stability that would help in all of this. However, the position is not what I thought it was–what I want it to be. I have made very few connections and have spent a lot of time dealing with discipline issues with students. I feel lonelier than ever and just want to give up.

When you were going through your separation/divorce, did you feel lonely? Did people reach out to you? I feel as if fewer and fewer people are even trying. I actually feel pretty invisible to everyone except my young kids. Here is an example. I was excited to finally see an old work colleague at a football game. I was hoping to sit with her and catch up. We waited inside of the stadium, only for her to say she had reserved seats. Well, hmm. Ok. Still, she does not reach out to see how I am, to catch up. I KNOW people are busy, and maybe it is just because I really try to make a point of checking in on people, if only by sending a quick text to say, “Thinking of you today!” Why is no one even thinking of me? I know, right. Invisible.

He’s still living here. In fact, he’s back on Facebook and messenger and making inappropriate comments to people. Why did I ever feel safe with him? Why did I believe he was a good man to marry? It is like these women who are ready to cheat are drawn to him. It’s so disturbing. The craziest thing is he is messaging someone but lots is deleted. He must have crossed some line because he apologizes. She says something about how she understands it must be tough when kids are involved. KIDS HAVE BEEN INVOLVED for 13 years! You know what is tough? Finding out your husband is a serial cheater. What also sucks is that it is only tough because he can’t quit screwing other women. Yeah. Sure. It’s so tough with these beautiful kids involved.

I rather hate my life, friends. I am being honest when I say that right now, I am going through the motions of crying, going to work, crying, making dinner, taking care of kids, crying, and wishing to die. It’s a pretty boring, lonely life. I sure hope my kids grow up to be amazing people because I really need to believe it was all worth it.

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Get Back on the Horse…

It seems that working full time and driving an hour each way is a bit more overwhelming than I remember. I’m thrilled to have a paycheck but I’m struggling with the balance of it. I suppose everyone struggles in this way?

I find navigating an in-house separation to be sad and frustrating. I have reasons that I am grateful he is here. Perhaps it is fear that I won’t be able to do these things on my own. I admit that I AM afraid of the future. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make ends meet or that I’ll never take another beach vacation. I know. Stupid. If I don’t, I don’t. Life will go on. It’s just the losses keep coming and I’m so damn sad about it all.

But here I am, getting back on the horse and riding. I don’t love it all and I certainly am not finding a bit of it easy, but I am here and I am doing it. I cannot wait to get my first paycheck to begin to save and catch up on things I have greatly needed and missed. In that, I hope to start to feel a bit of security again and start to leave some of this anxiety behind.

I wish I knew why the idea of simply filing for divorce is scary, when I clearly do not have a marriage anyways. I suppose having someone to help with the kids and grab things as needed is a kindness that I will lose. What exactly is there to gain? I wish I knew.

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A Shift

It has been a while since I have updated you on my life, and I am taking a minute out today to share that I have finally landed a job. It has many good qualities, and I feel a sense of relief that I am now able to start to save toward a divorce.

Yet, as I’m sensing some of you may understand, there is this huge sense of sadness and loss. There is a fear that I will always be alone and that he will hurt the kids more by his choices. I know he will quickly find a new partner, as he is now back on Facebook–a huge part of his cheating. I’m mourning what I thought my life was and would be. Mostly, I’m mourning the loss of time with my kids. I wish there was any other way. I want to escape at the same time as I want to hold on to the kids as long as possible. It is a losing situation.

Still, I’m now beginning a new chapter in my life. I am afraid I will not be enough in my now position and that this divorce and pain will hurt my job performance. I have an hour commute, and I am so worried I will be late. It’s crazy the things we talk ourselves into. For now, I’m trying to take one thing at a time, so I am going to spend some time hopefully making new friends and getting settled into the new role. Then I will need to come up with all of the money to even file. It all feels so exhausting and too much to do. I will NEVER understand how people can cheat and not consider the consequences of their actions–especially to the kids.

For those of you who have taken the leap, what made you finally do it? How hard was it to just get in there and file? And if you were able to come to an agreement and not go after each other in court, was that an easy process?

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