Why Do Things Come Back Up?

I really hate when something in the present triggers things from the past. My sister is having a baby. It brings up all of the memories of mine, which should be amazing, right? Yet, in the background are the memories of the OW holding my baby girls and taking their first photos. I had no idea what all had gone on and what was to come.

To add to that is the memories of what happened when I lived where she is living. I moved there to be closer to her. To family. In the end, I could not get any of the support I so desperately needed, and our relationship feels surface. In fact, it probably always will be, though I can hope it will change. I don’t see how to ever share with her the depths of my feelings or my pain. When you share that with someone and every time you do, they tell you to “just be positive,” it absolutely is not helpful. No, I don’t want to wallow in this pain forever, but I sure want to grieve the reality of what is, the loss of a complete family and a partner. I think the fact that we are still living together is just adding to it all. I’m so tired of hurting. So strange that her going into labor is bringing up all of this, isn’t it? Shouldn’t a new birth=a new life. Gosh, I sure wish it was that easy.

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Why am I so lonely?

I used to always crave alone time. I lived for time to decompress, read, sit in silence? Now? I still need it but it makes me cry. I cry at pretty much anything these days. The smallest thing one of my kids does can send me into a tailspin that I’m embarrassed to admit can last for some time.

I thought this new job would help. Surely I would be busy and that would give me some confidence and stability that would help in all of this. However, the position is not what I thought it was–what I want it to be. I have made very few connections and have spent a lot of time dealing with discipline issues with students. I feel lonelier than ever and just want to give up.

When you were going through your separation/divorce, did you feel lonely? Did people reach out to you? I feel as if fewer and fewer people are even trying. I actually feel pretty invisible to everyone except my young kids. Here is an example. I was excited to finally see an old work colleague at a football game. I was hoping to sit with her and catch up. We waited inside of the stadium, only for her to say she had reserved seats. Well, hmm. Ok. Still, she does not reach out to see how I am, to catch up. I KNOW people are busy, and maybe it is just because I really try to make a point of checking in on people, if only by sending a quick text to say, “Thinking of you today!” Why is no one even thinking of me? I know, right. Invisible.

He’s still living here. In fact, he’s back on Facebook and messenger and making inappropriate comments to people. Why did I ever feel safe with him? Why did I believe he was a good man to marry? It is like these women who are ready to cheat are drawn to him. It’s so disturbing. The craziest thing is he is messaging someone but lots is deleted. He must have crossed some line because he apologizes. She says something about how she understands it must be tough when kids are involved. KIDS HAVE BEEN INVOLVED for 13 years! You know what is tough? Finding out your husband is a serial cheater. What also sucks is that it is only tough because he can’t quit screwing other women. Yeah. Sure. It’s so tough with these beautiful kids involved.

I rather hate my life, friends. I am being honest when I say that right now, I am going through the motions of crying, going to work, crying, making dinner, taking care of kids, crying, and wishing to die. It’s a pretty boring, lonely life. I sure hope my kids grow up to be amazing people because I really need to believe it was all worth it.

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Get Back on the Horse…

It seems that working full time and driving an hour each way is a bit more overwhelming than I remember. I’m thrilled to have a paycheck but I’m struggling with the balance of it. I suppose everyone struggles in this way?

I find navigating an in-house separation to be sad and frustrating. I have reasons that I am grateful he is here. Perhaps it is fear that I won’t be able to do these things on my own. I admit that I AM afraid of the future. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make ends meet or that I’ll never take another beach vacation. I know. Stupid. If I don’t, I don’t. Life will go on. It’s just the losses keep coming and I’m so damn sad about it all.

But here I am, getting back on the horse and riding. I don’t love it all and I certainly am not finding a bit of it easy, but I am here and I am doing it. I cannot wait to get my first paycheck to begin to save and catch up on things I have greatly needed and missed. In that, I hope to start to feel a bit of security again and start to leave some of this anxiety behind.

I wish I knew why the idea of simply filing for divorce is scary, when I clearly do not have a marriage anyways. I suppose having someone to help with the kids and grab things as needed is a kindness that I will lose. What exactly is there to gain? I wish I knew.

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A Shift

It has been a while since I have updated you on my life, and I am taking a minute out today to share that I have finally landed a job. It has many good qualities, and I feel a sense of relief that I am now able to start to save toward a divorce.

Yet, as I’m sensing some of you may understand, there is this huge sense of sadness and loss. There is a fear that I will always be alone and that he will hurt the kids more by his choices. I know he will quickly find a new partner, as he is now back on Facebook–a huge part of his cheating. I’m mourning what I thought my life was and would be. Mostly, I’m mourning the loss of time with my kids. I wish there was any other way. I want to escape at the same time as I want to hold on to the kids as long as possible. It is a losing situation.

Still, I’m now beginning a new chapter in my life. I am afraid I will not be enough in my now position and that this divorce and pain will hurt my job performance. I have an hour commute, and I am so worried I will be late. It’s crazy the things we talk ourselves into. For now, I’m trying to take one thing at a time, so I am going to spend some time hopefully making new friends and getting settled into the new role. Then I will need to come up with all of the money to even file. It all feels so exhausting and too much to do. I will NEVER understand how people can cheat and not consider the consequences of their actions–especially to the kids.

For those of you who have taken the leap, what made you finally do it? How hard was it to just get in there and file? And if you were able to come to an agreement and not go after each other in court, was that an easy process?

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This is No way to Live

Funny thing about all of this–I STILL hurt and struggle. I know in my heart he is not going to change. I wish he would; heck, I think somehow he wishes he would, but not enough to actually change. I hate when he looks at me with that sad look. He made these choices. Why did he think it was ok to disrespect me? Why was it ok to throw away our family? I’ll never understand.

Today, I saw a message on his phone. He told a friend, “This is no way to live…with no one loving me.” I felt an instant stab to the gut. Seriously? Why is it all about you? I gave him two chances to get his life together and still he is wallowing in his choices? What does he want from me? Sure. I should just accept this life, the one where he continues to throw lies at me and chooses to numb his pain with random sex and bjs? It’s insanity. Still, I hurt. I wish someone could explain that part to me. I wish I could stop feeling anything myself. Unfortunately, unlike him, I don’t get to numb. I feel every last bit of it. It’s a nightmare.

So no, this is no way to live. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, being lied to, and giving the gift of reconciliation, only to be cheated on again. The pain is too much. No, it is no way to live. Going to job interview after job interview, after quitting my job because I took a leap of faith that he would be faithful after four years. This is no way to live–the sadness, loneliness, fear and dread of losing the time with my kids and who he will introduce them to. I already am bracing for the “woman” who will be their stepmom and how I will have to let them love her so they are not in the middle. I don’t want to share my babies with anyone else. This is no way to live–the loss of trust in myself after the gaslighting and giving him another chance to betray me.

How in the world can he seriously tell anyone that what he has created is no way to live? He had a wife who loved him. He has three beautiful kids. We were starting a new life in a new state. Yet, he can still say that and be sad? What right does he have to that sadness when he is the one who chose it?

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Choices, Limbo, and Exhaustion

October will be a year of knowing this is not going to work. I’ve been living in this limbo state for that long. No wonder I can’t get past this depression. There has been zero forward movement. In fact, we are starting to fight.

His boundaries are slipping or are nonexistent. I guess if he’s just living here and doesn’t have to pretend anymore, then he doesn’t have to do anything he said he’d do, even if it would make him healthier and a better dad. That’s asking too much. So he has never gone back to therapy. The other day, I saw that he is back on Facebook. That is how he reconnected with the first sexting partner from high school that I found years ago AND the physical affair partner. You know, the one who got away. If you know you have issues with using social media, why get back on it, unless you are planning to hook up or get validation in some way? Sigh. Then there is the texting with work colleagues. It’s over the line and borderline inappropriate. The day a guy from work calls me “babe” is the day I drop kick him–especially if he is married. I’d venture to guess they all know by now that this is not a marriage, so why not?

Why do I care? There is something about it all going on under your nose and not being able to do anything about it. It’s like being rendered “impotent.” I guess I also hoped that even if our marriage didn’t survive, he’d have this desire to be a better person for himself and the kids. Hilarious. I always have high hopes.

Under all of this is an anger that takes me back to those early days after finding out and a deep sadness for the life I wish I had. I rarely feel safe. I am waiting for him to do something to me that affects my health or leaves me homeless. It won’t take much at this point. I am taking the kids to see family and friends for a few days, and I have a fear he will use the house and my bed. Why not? Why bother with boundaries when you’ve never had them, and you no longer even care to try because you know your marriage is over.

I guess that’s the “change” that is most prominent. At least then he appeared to be trying to be a good person and to change. Now, his jabs are more intense, and the mindfuckery is more often. I know my patience is gone, so I’m sure that I react, even when I try not to.

I don’t understand people. I really don’t. Why was it all worth this end result? My kids are paying the price. How did he not care? Why in the heck do grown adults lie to go sleep with other random people? My favorite part is that they used her friend’s house! Who lets their friend use their house to sleep with a married man?! And the one that really astounds me is why he is here now. Clearly, he wanted anything or anyone else. Ok. Cool. GO for hell’s sake. Yet here he is, sleeping on the couch for almost a year. What the hell? Is his goal to make me slowly go insane from having no peace? I rarely feel comfortable in my own home. I hole up in the bedroom when he is here so I don’t fight with him or give him any reason to say I was trying to start a fight.

Yesterday, as we were walking into the house, one of my girls said, “Mommy, please can Daddy keep living with us.” My heart broke into a thousand pieces. I told her, no, that he’d hurt me and that I could not stay married to him. I told her I loved her and that we would be ok. As she’s crying, she says, “I know. It’s just that sometimes, I forget.” Damn. Damn him. Exactly. Because he’s STILL HERE. They have no idea what is happening, and I can’t do a thing about it. I certainly cannot explain that their dad is a serial cheater and likely has cheated on me more times than I know about. I want them to have a relationship with their dad as much as I don’t want them to leave my side for one day. I don’t know how I’ll do it. Add in the women he’s likely to bring around them, and I want to scream. I pray I’m strong enough to deal with this, as he’s already clearly trolling. It does not seem to pay off to be the healthy parent or the good person. You just get shit on over and over.

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Loneliness and the Dreaded D Word

It’s funny. My parents divorced when I was a teen, and I SWORE I’d never be in this position. Sigh. It’s not like I chose to be cheated on, yet somehow, there seems to always be a way I blame myself for this situation.

What I’m finding very difficult at the moment is the loneliness that is almost sucking me in. There are few adults to talk to when you are not working. I never thought I’d miss working so much, but I do. I miss the comaraderie. I miss feeling as if I was part of a team and supporting others. I miss people asking me how I am…even if they don’t really want to know (ha!). This loneliness is the craziest thing. I’ve never had a problem being alone; in fact, I crave alone time. However, I think that now that I know I can’t get time to be an adult and use my intellect in some way, I feel trapped. I don’t have any close friends who are single or divorced. In fact, I can only think of one person who is divorced, and she just got remarried and is having a baby. I cannot just call someone up and ask them to meet to have coffee for an hour. I don’t even LIKE what I know as the single world. I’m certainly not heading to a bar anytime soon.

I guess the situation is a bit unusual, since I’m in this in house separation hell, and he works nights. I have not had an hour to myself to go anywhere in a long time. I’m not against taking myself to the movies, but other than that? I don’t even know what I would do. Money is an issue, so those fun painting nights or things like that are out. In my head, this all translates to “I will always be alone.” I know. It feels that way. People KNOW I’m going through all of this and they are not reaching out. It hurts. I know they are busy, but a two second text would be amazing at this point. I spent 25 years with him, creating this life. Was it perfect? Heck no. Having to extricate myself from him and all that I know WHILE LIVING WITH HIM is insane.

I am not even sure if I’m communicating all of this in a coherent way, at this point. I mean, heck, at times, we are all a little lonely. I think I’m just completely blindsided by the extent of it. I’m dreading moving forward and losing time with my kids at the same time as I’m looking forward to a chance to take myself to a movie or even just watch an uninterrupted rated R movie here. I’m sure other parents can relate. I just can’t imagine what this new life will even look like, and in my head, it’s not full of life and joy. In my head, it’s full of less time with my kids, less money, more stress, and tons of loneliness. Ugh. Tell me it’s not the way I imagine it. I’m certainly hoping one of you is having a joyful single life.

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