I think maybe it’s time to stop blogging

Well, it seems that so much has happened since my last post, and I definitely don’t feel as if I’m pulling myself up.  You see, I had a second dday, and that occurred after a cross country move, giving up my career, and walking away from all I knew.  Since then, I had a head-on car accident, packed back up and moved back home.  However, he is still with me, and I have no job to take care of myself or even get a dissolution.  I feel so lost and like I’m free-falling, and clearly, I do not have any answers.  Petrified and worried about how I’ll take care of my kids is more where I sit these days.

I don’t know if I should keep this blog going.  Perhaps it is time to move to one where I wallow in divorce, job-hunting, and poverty drama.  Or do you think this journey is worth sharing?  If anyone is still reading, let me know your thoughts.  I certainly have been through a lot in the last several months.

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I have always been comfortable being alone.  I wake up early to have time on my own to write, read something positive, or meditate.  I retreat to my office for lunch to have time to regroup and process my morning.  I enjoy it and always feel refreshed and ready for the afternoon.

What I was not prepared for was the loneliness of being a betrayed spouse.  It seems that although I enjoy my alone time, what is happening is that I’m feeling isolated and very lonely.  It doesn’t help that two close friends moved to another state.  One knows about the affair and the other didn’t.  I felt like she was the only one who did not have a critique or judgment on my choice to try because hell, she didn’t know what happened.  It seems like in our adult lives, we have so few friends anyways.  We get so caught up in the busyness of just living that we don’t have the time to cultivate close friendships the way we might like to.  With kids and work and all of the life things there are to do, we rarely seem to have a chance to socialize.  I have work colleagues who are friends, but my particular job is one where I can go all day without seeing an adult.  Add on to my situation the trauma of the betrayal of my bosses and the fact that I am not really able to grow in my position the way I would love to, and I have quite a mess.  I just am frustrated with relationships that feel like just surface relationships.

I am lonely.  I am utterly lonely and really have no one to talk to about it.  At some point, I will need to choose to somehow stop coming back to the pain.  Of course, there is therapy and all kinds of other ways I am working to heal, but it is not helping to erase that loneliness.  Very rarely are people checking in or inviting me to do all that much, and I feel like I am floating through life, perhaps that my being here is really not impacting anyone at all.  Each day, I get up, I take care of my house and my kids, I work on healing and on acknowledging the changes I do see in my husband.  I just feel as if I am not living.  This is living?  How did I miss the loneliness before dday?  What is different now?  I don’t know what is really new now.  It is not like I had a huge list of friends before dday.  I just never really felt lonely.  What is this deep sadness and loneliness now really about?

Do you feel the same?  I am really interested in your thoughts on this one.

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I am feeling flat lately.

Before dday: I felt comfortable, relatively happy in my life and trusted that even though we were incredibly busy with three kids (two babies), that as time moved on and that season of my life changed, our marriage would become stronger.

Now: I feel this sadness most days.  I kind of hate reality.  I see cheating everywhere…on tv, in novels, at work, on the news.  I hate that we glorify it and make it all about “love” and the wife or husband that is standing in the way.  For the love of Pete…have some integrity.  No person wants to be blindsided by this crap.  Feel free to go and don’t let the door hit you on the ass, you know?

I think I am just flat.  I am tired.  Tired of trying to work on my crap and tired of working on marriage crap and tired of all of the triggers and everything that goes with this reality–this life I never chose.

So even though nothing “bad” is happening and even in the midst of all of the therapy, I feel so crappy about my life.  I guess, as my therapist says, I need to find a way to reframe things in my mind.  But honestly, I’m looking for one kernel of good to grab onto, one sign that things won’t be like this at home and at work forever.  Just something to get me through, you know?  I am terrible with the negative self-talk, and I just cannot seem to make myself see the good.  I really am trying.


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Ah, Coping Mechanisms are Hard to Change

It has been a difficult week or so.  Along with the usual feelings of all that the holidays “should be” was a slip.  He lied.  He covered up something stupid with a lie.  What the hell?  Almost three years out, and I just sat there, stunned.  He did admit to the lie, but for the life of me I do not get the need to “protect yourself” by lying.

So to therapy I went.  What was useful in therapy was our discussion about coping mechanisms and addiction (compulsive behavior, etc.).  I guess it is safe to say that anyone who chooses to have an affair has shitty coping mechanisms.  Any betrayed spouse after dday insists on NO MORE LIES (duh.) The issue here is that many of those who have cheated have obviously taught themselves that lying is ok.  It was their “go to” for whatever time they were in the affair at least, possibly much longer.  What I seem to remember is that my H stretched the truth.  He’d add things to stories to make them funnier.  Right before dday, I remember saying to him, “That did not happen like that!”  He did not see it as an issue.  It made the story better.  I should have seen that waving red flag, huh?

Addiction causes people to have skewed thoughts.  It isn’t porn or cheating, so it is no big deal. Umm, yes.  It really is.  It seems to take them a while to see that any deception at all is the issue.  It has taken my H a while to begin to come out of self-preservation mode.  I am not entirely sure he even knows that he could be loved.  I think he is unhappy in who he was (and is?) and when he messes up, he lies to himself about the importance of being truthful, both to me and to himself.

So what now?  I am watching his actions.  He took his lie to his group and his therapist.  Now I see if when he messes up, he comes to me (and for the love of all that is holy, we all mess up.  Just ADMIT IT.  Stop being deceitful and thinking it will help!).  I know that I cannot keep waiting long for him to grow up, at the same time as I know he is changing and growing.  How sad that people are so emotionally messed up that they live a majority of their adult lives as a teenager (or younger!).

We have beautiful kids who are strong and thriving.  I know I at least am doing something right.  I will wait only as long as I can.  I pray he gets it quickly.

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It has been a while…

I guess sometimes I think that if I try to distract myself, perhaps the pain won’t come rushing back.  I suppose it is good that it is less.

In therapy this week, we talked about the pain and about the fact that I use sarcasm to hide the anger I feel.  I do it all of the time–even in my work environment.  I get a brochure on a leadership seminar and think, “Ha.  It would be fun to put this in someone’s mailbox.”  I guess over the years I have learned to use sarcasm to cope.  Unfortunately, I’m not so sure it is working anymore.  In fact, it seems as if it is not helping.  It just reminds me that I am still hurt and all of the ways that I am still angry.  I really have no idea if the anger subsides or lessens.  Betrayal does not seem like something a person can just lose anger over.  It is the deception and the stabbing in the back that just makes you feel insane for staying.  It is not that I do not see the changes he has made and is making, but it is the fact that I have had to go through any of this pain at all.  The fact that it is by his choices that I hurt.  The fact that I trusted when I clearly should not have.

Christmas makes it all the more brutal to me.  I remember how oblivious I was three years ago.  They “took a break for Christmas.”  While I was creating memories and wrapping and all of the things we do as wives and moms, he was still messaging her.  He was still mentally checked out.  It was during Christmas that year when he says he “came to his senses.”  Christmas with his family made him see what a complete asshole he was being.   The kicker?  He had to still go back for one more round in January.  Like I said…brutal.  So creating the memories now?  It feels fake or maybe like a bit of an out of body experience.  I can see that he has made many changes and is starting to grow up, yet I can’t bring my mind completely to the present–to focus on the good now.  It is a total mindfuck.  There really is no other word that describes it.

So my beautiful, crazy kids will have a good Christmas with both parents.  And yes, I will enjoy our time together, but somewhere, in the back of my mind is the knowing of all that was and what came to pass.

Has anyone found a good way to stop using sarcasm?  What about to get that anger out (haha–in a healthy way?).


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Infidelity and Health

Lately, and honestly since D-day, I have been getting sick a lot.  If there is a bug in my general vicinity?  I get it.  If other people get well quickly, I get pneumonia from it.  I constantly feel exhausted, no matter what I try.  I meditate, journal, go to therapy, walk, read.  I just do not know what to try next to feel better.

I have been reading about adrenal fatigue.  Apparently, with a good deal of stress and often when it is prolonged, the adrenals become flooded and are unable to do their job well.  I am on this journey of trying to make my health better.  I have been eating better than I used to but darn, if not an ounce of weight drops off of me.  An interesting fact about adrenal fatigue is the craving of caffeine, salty foods and sweet foods.  Yep.  Sign me up.  I will be visiting an endocrinologist soon to try to figure out where I stand and to hopefully, slowly, begin to feel better.

Have any of you noticed a decrease in your physical health after dday?  Do you have symptoms of adrenal fatigue?  I’d appreciate your input.  Have a wonderful Monday, friends.

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Quick Check In

I am just taking a minute to check in, as it has been longer than I intended, and I wanted to update.

Things have been going relatively the same for a few weeks.  I have sadness and am riding the roller coaster of emotions, but I am just very busy with the kids and with the stresses of daily life.  I do still feel resentment and have noticed it is peeking in when I am not expecting it.

I have read others’ posts on forgiveness and have felt a bit of anger about the topic.  I am clearly not ready to even think about it, even though I know that it would honestly be to free myself.  I know that may be the ultimate goal, but I don’t see a reason to focus on it or stress about it, and it frustrates me when it is brought up.  I kind of feel like it will happen on its own over time.

My work situation continues to add more stress than I even want to write about.  I feel so frustrated seeing things that others refuse to acknowledge or improve and when people lack self-awareness, it is almost like it triggers me and reminds me of all of this crap.  I wish that work was a safer place, but it definitely is not.


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