I am feeling flat lately.
Before dday: I felt comfortable, relatively happy in my life and trusted that even though we were incredibly busy with three kids (two babies), that as time moved on and that season of my life changed, our marriage would become stronger.
Now: I feel this sadness most days. I kind of hate reality. I see cheating everywhere…on tv, in novels, at work, on the news. I hate that we glorify it and make it all about “love” and the wife or husband that is standing in the way. For the love of Pete…have some integrity. No person wants to be blindsided by this crap. Feel free to go and don’t let the door hit you on the ass, you know?
I think I am just flat. I am tired. Tired of trying to work on my crap and tired of working on marriage crap and tired of all of the triggers and everything that goes with this reality–this life I never chose.
So even though nothing “bad” is happening and even in the midst of all of the therapy, I feel so crappy about my life. I guess, as my therapist says, I need to find a way to reframe things in my mind. But honestly, I’m looking for one kernel of good to grab onto, one sign that things won’t be like this at home and at work forever. Just something to get me through, you know? I am terrible with the negative self-talk, and I just cannot seem to make myself see the good. I really am trying.
I guess sometimes I think that if I try to distract myself, perhaps the pain won’t come rushing back. I suppose it is good that it is less.
In therapy this week, we talked about the pain and about the fact that I use sarcasm to hide the anger I feel. I do it all of the time–even in my work environment. I get a brochure on a leadership seminar and think, “Ha. It would be fun to put this in someone’s mailbox.” I guess over the years I have learned to use sarcasm to cope. Unfortunately, I’m not so sure it is working anymore. In fact, it seems as if it is not helping. It just reminds me that I am still hurt and all of the ways that I am still angry. I really have no idea if the anger subsides or lessens. Betrayal does not seem like something a person can just lose anger over. It is the deception and the stabbing in the back that just makes you feel insane for staying. It is not that I do not see the changes he has made and is making, but it is the fact that I have had to go through any of this pain at all. The fact that it is by his choices that I hurt. The fact that I trusted when I clearly should not have.
Christmas makes it all the more brutal to me. I remember how oblivious I was three years ago. They “took a break for Christmas.” While I was creating memories and wrapping and all of the things we do as wives and moms, he was still messaging her. He was still mentally checked out. It was during Christmas that year when he says he “came to his senses.” Christmas with his family made him see what a complete asshole he was being. The kicker? He had to still go back for one more round in January. Like I said…brutal. So creating the memories now? It feels fake or maybe like a bit of an out of body experience. I can see that he has made many changes and is starting to grow up, yet I can’t bring my mind completely to the present–to focus on the good now. It is a total mindfuck. There really is no other word that describes it.
So my beautiful, crazy kids will have a good Christmas with both parents. And yes, I will enjoy our time together, but somewhere, in the back of my mind is the knowing of all that was and what came to pass.
Has anyone found a good way to stop using sarcasm? What about to get that anger out (haha–in a healthy way?).
Lately, and honestly since D-day, I have been getting sick a lot. If there is a bug in my general vicinity? I get it. If other people get well quickly, I get pneumonia from it. I constantly feel exhausted, no matter what I try. I meditate, journal, go to therapy, walk, read. I just do not know what to try next to feel better.
I have been reading about adrenal fatigue. Apparently, with a good deal of stress and often when it is prolonged, the adrenals become flooded and are unable to do their job well. I am on this journey of trying to make my health better. I have been eating better than I used to but darn, if not an ounce of weight drops off of me. An interesting fact about adrenal fatigue is the craving of caffeine, salty foods and sweet foods. Yep. Sign me up. I will be visiting an endocrinologist soon to try to figure out where I stand and to hopefully, slowly, begin to feel better.
Have any of you noticed a decrease in your physical health after dday? Do you have symptoms of adrenal fatigue? I’d appreciate your input. Have a wonderful Monday, friends.
I am just taking a minute to check in, as it has been longer than I intended, and I wanted to update.
Things have been going relatively the same for a few weeks. I have sadness and am riding the roller coaster of emotions, but I am just very busy with the kids and with the stresses of daily life. I do still feel resentment and have noticed it is peeking in when I am not expecting it.
I have read others’ posts on forgiveness and have felt a bit of anger about the topic. I am clearly not ready to even think about it, even though I know that it would honestly be to free myself. I know that may be the ultimate goal, but I don’t see a reason to focus on it or stress about it, and it frustrates me when it is brought up. I kind of feel like it will happen on its own over time.
My work situation continues to add more stress than I even want to write about. I feel so frustrated seeing things that others refuse to acknowledge or improve and when people lack self-awareness, it is almost like it triggers me and reminds me of all of this crap. I wish that work was a safer place, but it definitely is not.
As I prepare to head back to work, my anxiety continues to rise. You know how you are going along ok, and then the reality of things kind of sneaks up behind you and whacks you in the head? Yeah. That happens to me. I’m fighting off the panic attacks and the overwhelming feeling of dread. This morning, I woke up from a series of dreams where I was interviewing, and they told me I did not have ANY of the skills they needed. After going to a few interviews like that in my dream, I woke up feeling like I had something sitting on my chest. I certainly cannot wait to find a position that enables me to use all of my skills and to feel valued. I feel like I’m selling my soul to stay in my current one.
About the feeling of selling our soul…do you ever feel like you have to do that to stay? I find it really hard to make sense of the person he was with the person he is. I see the changes, but I still have some fear that things are not as they seem because let’s be honest. Isn’t that how we were living for years? We believed our marriage and our husbands were one thing and the reality was something completely different. As much as I would like to say I’m jumping in and risking again, the truth is, I’m still tentatively tiptoeing around it. I see many good changes and in that way, our “new” marriage is better. He is still slowly growing in emotional intelligence, and I would venture to guess that for most of us, that is the case. Most of those who cheat have a lot to learn that they somehow missed out on in their childhood. Yet even if our marriage has changed for the better because he is working on his issues, I mourn for the person I was, and to be honest, I am angry that I had no choice in this. I am not so sure I like how I see the world now. I am hoping that this changes with time and the pain softens and allows me to believe that people in some relationships have a semi-healthy marriage. They share and love and support freely with no resentment or keeping score. They see the flaws in their spouse and accept it, and they openly share their own flaws, seeking to be known fully by someone. The beauty in it is that they are authentic and understand that they must risk being fully known to have what they seek. Tell me…do you know anyone who has this? I certainly would love to hear about them. I would love to gain back some of my faith that there can be that kind of love and that maybe, even with these painful, deep scars, I could still get there someday.
I feel like this will not be my most coherent post, and yet, I need to share in the hopes that either getting it out will help or someone will respond in some way that makes me feel less alone.
What I’ve noticed is that those who cheat have little to no self-esteem. Even if it comes off as arrogance or being the life of the party, they are doing it all to feel that others like them. They feed off of the external ego kibbles and keep going back for more. So in reconciliation, it is so very frustrating to live with a man who has suddenly realized who he was during those years and to see that he has so little self-esteem, when I always thought he had more than enough. It is exhausting to wish I were married to someone who had the emotional intelligence of a 45 year old, when…I guess to be honest, it is more likely that of a teenager, and that is after a lot of therapy and work. I am in a ball on my couch sobbing into the pillow, wishing and praying that I could wave a magic wand and just make him grow the fuck up. The thing is that I can say it. I can YELL it, but he can’t just make it so. And friends I’m tired. I’m so tired of carrying the load. I’m tired of always doing the right thing and being the self-aware one and telling him what he might want to address in therapy because I cannot take another minute of it, and I certainly cannot do the work. I know he is in there trying, but my God…how many years do I need to give up to this? Will he ever be an adult emotionally? Am I going to wake up one day and realize that this is as good as it gets because let me tell you, it is not enough!
I hope he never finds this blog because I know it would hurt him, and it is not my intention. I do believe he is trying. Yet he bounces back to his old coping mechanisms , and it triggers the hell out of me. Lying about stupid things is still lying! It still says something about you and your character. What the heck? Why bother lying? I’m just wondering if there is anyone who stays and feels whole again. Does anyone feel like they have seen such growth in their wayward spouse? It’s been over two years and still (STILL!) there are lies and slips. Still he is childish in his behavior and responses. Still he cannot see when a comment I may make is out pain or my jealousy of those families that do not have to live with the pain of this scar. I feel like this will be forever. I feel like I may get moments of calm, but that I will never quite feel like I am living again. I feel so sad for what I thought I had, for that fantasy world I apparently created in my head, where my husband loves me enough to tell another woman no.
Cheers to all of you still following this. I’m having some Chardonnay tonight and trying to calm the pain and the deepest grief imaginable. May you all feel some much-deserved peace.